Living Daydream

I had every intention of coming back to expand on my feelings from earlier. Please forgive me… but after eating about seven almonds, my tongue started to tingle, and then to itch… allergic reaction maybe? I don’t know, but to be safe, I took some benadryl… and now I feel… crazy and drunk… with a little drowsiness on the side.

So… the journal entry will have to wait until tomorrow. Have a wonderful night.  

Its early afternoon, and already, my mood is less than great. All these thoughts swimming around in my head and I have no clue what to do with them. I’m so good at putting on a happy face… made me think of an old favorite song of mine:

Always the life of the party
Always the clown of the class
All my friends see me happy, baby
But happy is only an act
Nobody knows
When I’m alone inside my room
I sing a different tune

Chorus:
I’m going down
When I hear the sound
The sound of my tears
When you’re not around
It’s all I can do
When I listen to
The sound of my tears
Baby when I’m missin’ you

My mood is less about that last line… and more about putting on this mask for everyone else…I’ve been able to do that so well, but today I just feel tired. Like I can’t do it anymore. So I came home, and took the rest of the day off. I’m going to take a nap… sleep until I don’t feel this heaviness anymore. In a few hours I’ll get up, and be ready to blog about it… in words other people can understand instead of this cryptic entry, right here.

Dad had to be rushed to the hospital early this morning… well technically, it was Friday morning… He’s okay now, thank God…but it was a big scare for my mom and me. I’ve considered moving to be closer to them, and I think its definitely in the plans for the future. Life just seems to continue to get more and more complex by the day. Keep us in your prayers.

Luckily… there are whimsical, beautiful, fantastical moments in life that make us feel like anything is possible… I love those…  So… for Kat:

For the hopeless romantic…

Link (K.J. Pay attention when it gets to 0:46 and on)

I think as a whole, I’m a pretty intuitive person. As a kid, I discovered this gift I have. I don’t usually talk about it with people, as its hard to describe without sounding cooky. I first noticed it at age 5… and to this day I can vividly recall everything about the first time. I kept it to myself until maybe a few years later. When I shared it with my mom, she didn’t seem to be very surprised…. she listened intently, looked into my eyes and that was it. Later… almost 7 years later… my bestfriend’s father who happens to be my uncle, and my favorite minister in the world, would reveal to her that he knew I had this gift. This shocked me.. but he told her he knew, because he has the same one. I won’t go into detail here about what the gift is… I’ll just say that I sometimes… just know things. I know them. I also connect to certain people in strange ways… and I can feel things. I tapped into it years ago and really concentrated on understanding the whole thing. It was amazing..but since then, I haven’t done much with it… which is a shame.

The reason I even brought this up, is because I was thinking about a few conversations I’ve had with friends lately about life, and relationships… and you know what, I feel like I’m constantly having to decipher a code when I deal with certain folks. Why do I have to take what you say and decode it in order for me to just figure out what kind of day you’ve had? And men… lol, don’t even get me started. In my opinion, one of the biggest reasons why single men and women are having such a hard time finding that one person they can truly connect with, is because we don’t know how to properly communicate with one another. Men are having all of these feelings, concerns, worries… and keeping them inside to fester until drastic decisions have to be made which will traumatize the other party involved. Women are throwing hints, and keeping their guards up so much that nobody can penetrate effectively.

None of us are mind readers… and I personally, don’t know morse code… so the only solution is to meet in the middle somewhere. I think we all have to agree to be vulnerable for a little while. Even in my friendships, I’m learning that opening up, and allowing just the possibility of dissapointment, is necessary. I have been incredibly blessed, in that I have many wonderful friends who never let me down… but there have been a few that have shown their true colors… and as a result, been cut out of my life to make room for more positive influences.

I was thinking about relationships, and friendships, and even crushes… and realizing that I get so frustrated by having to figure things out so much of the time. Having to question my every move, and wonder if someone took something the wrong way, so much of the time subtracts from the wonderful moments we could all be enjoying one another. I no longer try to "get the hint." If you want me/need me to know something, you must come at me face first and let me know. This is the way I will try to handle each of my relationships. I respect those in my life enough to do that… hopefully they will do the same. As for crushes…    Well I’m surrendering to all of that. LOL.

A few random thoughts: 

 
We grew up together. I’m an only child, but our mother’s raised us like sisters. Dressed up the same, bought the same toys, enrolled us in the same dance classes and girl scout troops.I loved her, thought she was beautiful… wanted to be her best friend… and even with our mother’s being best friends and sisters… she never accepted me. I remember the cruel things she did to me.. the way she treated me… and even her plots to turn our church friends against me. And to think, that was at age 7!!! I don’t talk to her much these days, mostly because we live in different cities and lead very different lives… and although I gave up on her changing to become a better person many moons ago… I still sometimes wish…. that we could have the relationship our mothers have… and wanted us to have so badly. I wish she’d call me up to chat about her life…her relationships. I wish I could confide in her about things that keep me up at night when I should be sleeping. But we will never be that… have that. I sent her an email tonight…asking how she’s doing. I know she’ll respond with a short, polite message using as little wording as possible, as if hotmail charges per character. Sometimes I’m not aware of how things affect me. Some of the things I deal with today stem back to those days. Its amazing what shadows hide…

I love The Cosby Show. People say its unrealistic… but my house felt very similar to theirs growing up… minus 4 children, lol. The way Claire and Cliff interact remind me so much of my parents. The jokes… the cute stories… the way their extended family members were always over to share love and wisdom. I grew up like that. I got scoffed at when I mentioned this to someone the other day. Like that was impossible. But its not… and I do realize how blessed I was, and still am to have that kind of family. Its amazing to watch my mom care for my dad and vice versa. They love one another so much… they’re in love with one another. I want that for myself one day. Its got to be possible… right?

I want that glow… The one Jessica Lopez, Gabrielle Union, and Jessica Alba have. A few months ago, Sabe and I went to MAC Cosmetics in search of the glooooooow. It ended up in laughs for both of us as we tried out a million products promising to give that to us. The worst, was this stuff in a tube that looked like mud. It had a sort of spray nozzle, so us, being the genuises that we are decided to give it a try. Sabe would be the test dummy, and I would be the artiste! I stood with feet apart, firmly planted, aimed at her face while she tried to cover her eyes. LOL I have no idea what we thought we would do.. but lets just say it ended in a goopy, ugly mess. Later, the sales associate would tell us you apply with a sponge applicator. So, the two of us left the mall, minus our glow. The search is still on… because unlike all these other delusional women, I am aware that, that mess ain’t natural… those chicks ain’t waking up looking like J-Lo in the "Waiting For Tonight" video with a disco ball shining and shimmering all over the place! LOL.

I realized today that I have a problem accepting compliments. Specifically big ones that involve words like gorgeous, and beautiful. Okay… now before anybody goes all Dr.Phil on me, it has nothing to do with my own self image. I’m okay there. I think its more that, those are such powerful words in my mind. I don’t use them very often. Not on strangers. I have girlfriends (hey K.J., T.J., C.H.,N.C.) that are definitely gorgeous… i mean magazine cover worthy… so I speak those words to them often. But I’m talking complete strangers… its rare that I come across traffic stoppers…so when somebody randomly says that to me… i’m taken aback… I’m thinking, what could i have done to come across as that, to you? I guess being beautiful is more of an action to me. I dunno. I need to realize that everyone has their own definition of those words, so ladies… if you’re like me… stop shaking off those compliments!

My father’s heart surgeon is this little funny looking guy with red hair, and he reminds me of an oompaloompa. He’s become very fond of us (mom, dad, and i), and he references my dad by his first and middle name in this ol country voice/accent. I think its cute… I almost don’t want my dad to stop seeing him, because… it might sound silly… but I believe he is a guardian angel. I think he was sent by God to do the procedure… and to look after my dad. I’m not crazy. There are several reasons why I believe this to be true. I won’t share them all here… but its almost spooky. I really like him… and he likes us. I want to invite him to Thanksgiving dinner or something… and the thing is, i think he’d accept! He’s Dad’s angel… and I think… mom’s and mine too. 

Finally… I do this thing sometimes… where I get the urge to know people’s secrets. Chances are, if you’re a good friend of mine, you’ve heard me say, "tell me a secret." Its a great way to find out different things about people, and to tell them yours as well. So… from time to time, I’ll probably have a moment where I tell a few "secrets," or little known facts about yours truly.                                      *I like lots of corny movies that nobody else does, and I watch them EVERY chance I get, lol. Thinking of them makes me realize that maybe I did have a unique upbringing, lol. To name a few: Sound of Music (this is a FAV of mine you have no idea!!!), Girls Just Wanna Have Fun, Boomerang, Grease, The Last Dragon, Maid In Manhattan, Pretty Woman, My Best Friends Wedding, The Wedding Date.

        Now the thing about it is.. there is a very common theme in each of these.. and if you can figure it out, you’ll know one of the biggest things that makes me tick, lol. Its not as easy as you might think.

*As a baby, I would bang my head against the pillow to fall asleep. My mom was so scared she took me to see the pediatrician to find out what was wrong. Turns out lots of babies do this… its the repetitive motion thats soothing… I do other things even now that replace that… most people don’t know it though. One of the things only my mom and dad know about (and it will stay that way, lol). I’ll share one of the others with you. When I can’t sleep, I turn on a fan on my nightstand and aim it directly at my face, even when i’m freezing… something about the air hitting my face puts me right to sleep.

*I think I have a really strange voice. Its like…. I wouldn’t describe it as pleasant… but it doesn’t hurt your ears either… its just… weird. The other thing is… I think I have a low/deep voice… but everyone I know laughs at that. People have described it as squeaky, little girlish, raspy… but never deep or low. Isn’t that weird? How can what you hear be so different from what I hear?   

alright… well I’m sure you know more than you ever cared to know about me… lol. Its now 4:30am.. and I’m still awake. Kris is retiring for tonight.  

Its so weird how as humans we often think we can retire emotions. LOL… Like you can just up and decide one day that you no longer want to feel.

I received an email today that made me think about the lack of control we truly have over entities such as this… specifically love. In another blog (previously mentioned) I wrote about love and I’d like to share with you an excerpt from that entry that I will reference later:

———-

So my mini revelation is this… Love is wonderful… But there are different types… There’s that kind of love where you’re floating on air, you’re blinded by how beautiful everything is, completely oblivious to everything thats going on around you, good or bad, because of how in love you are…. it feels like a high… That’s what I imagine people who do drugs feel like… Striving to get that fix all the time… love can be a drug. Now, this kind of love is great and all… it feels so wonderful…

All of this is huge to me, ‘cause i believe that if you’re not done with the past, you can’t successfully move into the future. I’ve been done with this thing for a minute, but not completely over what happened. Don’t get me wrong… i was over HIM, but not over the situation… and last night, i realized that I’ve taken that step. So hopefully this will move me right along.

———–

That was written back in 2005. I still believe that. I think as we age, we start searching more for a grounded love. One that might lift us off the ground for a little bit… give us butterflies and make our heart skip a beat… but all the while staying right there to catch us when we come back down. Thats a mature love that will stand the test of time, with or without daily frills and thrills. So… as I started thinking about this email… which questioned whether or not there was still love present in my heart for him… I thought of that journal entry above. I know what I believe. I believe that when you truly love someone… unconditionally, deeply, the good and the bad, that love is forever with you. I know we go through break ups, and heartaches… and we wonder if that pain will ever leave. Most people wish away the love because it seems so closely attached to that pain. Our hearts don’t work that way, though. The pain will fade… the love will stay.

This is the way it works, folks. You see, love doesn’t ever go completely away. It changes forms. You love someone, the relationship changes… maybe fades, or even ends. The love you had for them goes into a different corner of your mind and heart. Gets tucked away until you know what to do with it, how to deal with it. It chills out in its little corner for safe keeping until the rest of you figures out how to use it. When enough time has passed, and you feel safe again, you take it out and suddenly, it looks a little different. The texture has changed. You react differently… more positive… more stable. Looks different, because it IS different. Love doesn’t leave us. It just shifts a little to fit where we need it most.

He wanted to know if I still loved him. Of course I do. I always will. I haven’t taken it out to look at it until today…. and its beautiful. Its a pure love that feels fresh and new to me. Its still unconditional… I’m sure if I allowed myself, it could make me feel some things… some things that seem ancient to me now. But I’m in a different place… and somehow, my heart knows exactly what to do with that love. Yes I still love you. I loved you in a way that I’d never loved anyone else. It almost scared me. Definitely took me by surprise. How does a love like that, up and vanish? It doesn’t. Its still here. Tucked away for safe keeping.