Living Daydream

If you could go back and change something in life… like a major event, would you? I don’t think I would. My life has been good.. and the bad things that happened, were all definitely for a reason. I have no regrets. But sometimes I think about things I want to do… and explore, that I know wouldn’t be good for me. and I wonder if in ten years, will I still have no regrets? Like… say there’s someone that I’d love to get to know.. in more ways than one… even though I know they wouldn’t be good long term. What about those people who beckon you to them…like the polar ends of those long magnets we used to play with in science class in the third grade…. I used to put the ends far enough away from one another and then slide each closer until I could feel a gentle pull… eventually, they would end up stuck to one another with or without my help. Sometimes I feel that in my interactions with people. Its like me tempting fate… tempting the two ends to run at full force towards each other. I almost always resist, because I know that’s not what i need… but in years to come, will I regret NOT taking that risk? I pride myself on making pretty good decisions most of the time. I’m not a big risk taker… and I don’t like to not be in control over my life (which is completely unrealistic and impossible, I know ).

But I want to do somethings.. introduce some people into my life.. explore some avenues… that I know I shouldn’t… not for anything super deep or important… just to…do it. Because I felt it in this moment. There was no plan, no list made ahead of time… no big flow chart from point A to B… just me and my feelings. I guess I want to be reckless for a moment in time…. and I’d be lying if I  said I wasn’t really contemplating acting on all that i’m feeling right now. The only thing holding me back is reason… and maybe a bit of fear. I wonder if it will be enough to keep me in this safe place? I have more pondering to do… but I can feel my hand on the north pole of the first magnet… and I’m just waiting to feel that uncontrollable pull… I don’t think  I’ll run from it this time. I just pray whatever I stick to… doesn’t leave me crazy…  

Its Tuesday morning… I’m tired… coulda used a few more hours of sleep today, but a call from my mother reminded me that there is much work to be done (thought i was supposed to be resting..what happened to that?). So I’m awake… well, barely. Its incredibly hot in the house, because dad can’t stand the cold, but just as soon as I can put my hands on that thermostat its going to be hard to distinguish this place from the north pole!!! I love coming here to see my parents. I miss them when I’m away… but it is definitely an adjustment. Usually its not felt nearly as much when I’m here only for a few days. However I’ve now been here since last Wednesday. You do the math. I start missing my beautifully silent home by this stage in the visit… missing how cool it is, even to the point of needing a blanket if you’re on the couch for too long. I miss how dark I sometimes keep it in the evenings, because it matches my mood. Miss lounging around half dressed, or sometimes not at all, because.. well… its MY house daggonit! LOL. I won’t fret. I’ll be back soon. And even then I’ll be missing mom and dad… so for now, I will put up with whatever and enjoy being here. Afterall, there are huge advantages to this as well.

I’m seeing a few old friends tomorrow night. That should be interesting. I wish I could be more excited about it. I think I’m still feeling tired from all the excitement the last few weeks. That will pass once I return home. Its strange… this guy… he’s going to marry a woman he isn’t in love with. I know he loves her…but he isn’t IN love with her. I can see it. I can also sense something when he looks into my eyes… but I haven’t taken the time to try to detect what it is. Nor will I when we all have dinner tomorrow evening. Some things are just better left unsaid, I suppose.

My mood is still on
blah" status.  I pray that something wonderful happens… and soon. I saw a movie last night… I think K.J. mentioned a part of it to me last year, actually… he said  some  people come to restore… it made me tear up. I need that. I need my vacation as well… I’ll leave it there… being personal isn’t sitting well with me today.. and though this is a blog, things have to be well received. I’ll come back to this later.

Before I go… a few random things:

1. My ex from… 99/00 is back. I have no idea why… or maybe I do. I can admit to being very curious though… I will find out, because I’ve never been the type to get caught up in matters such as these. Answers will be coming soon.

2. I love the Sunsilk commercial where the chick needs therapy becaue she got into a hair swinging match with another girl. It reminds me of something I won’t say here, for fear of confirming a dumb stereotype. So instead… just watch it here 

I’m a sucker for good commercials. Sunsilk usually has pretty good ones. The blond vs. brunette series was pretty funny as well. Do you have any favorites? Tell me about them. 

It is now 4:23 am on Thursday morning.. I have yet to go to sleep. Ran errands all day after a 3 hour drive… came home to chill.. curled locks which took 2 and a half hours.. sat under dryer for about a half hour.. hair is still wet, but I can’t keep my eyes open.

Tomorrow I go to buy all the decorations for the baby shower… and the gifts. I think its finally kicking in, that I’m not super woman. My aunt wants me to ride down to the beach with her for the closing on the new beach house…. but i’m exhausted. I’m wondering why I never seem to have time to do all the stuff I need to… A friend told me a little while ago that I always sound tired on the phone. He said that I need to learn to say no to people, and not take on too much. Well JWM, I think you’re right this time. I want to be everything to everyone, and I’m learning that attempting this, is leaving me drained.

I thought about it, and I’ve pretty much  been running around like a chicken with its head cut off since May. Thats when Dad got sick… back and forth to Charlotte… playing catch up for work, then attempting a summer course on top of all of that stuff (which, if you’ve never taken one, is like a reg semester on crack!), and now.. a baby shower. I can’t keep going like this. I want to hang out with my friends, and plan a vacation and have fun… I want to go see K. Hill (check his page: www.myspace.com/khillmusic) perform…. I want to do so much stuff… and some of this other crap is getting in the way. So, I’ve decided, that after this shower… i’m going to try to chill out. I’m going to try to take 2 weeks off of work, and just chill… and SLEEP! I need to practice saying no… for now, I’m just sleepy…

I think i miss love a little bit too… I had a dream… and it was beautiful.. very fairytale-ish… I wanna be swept off of my feet. How come guys don’t want to do that anymore to girls? Nobody is sweeping folks off their feet.. there’s no element of romance…which is sad… because there’s a lot to be said for big romantic gestures.

I also got another answer that i needed tonight. It made me mad, but i know its for my good. I’m off to dreamland for now… Maybe I’ll have another beautiful dream… 

P.S.

If you have any great gift ideas for the mommy-to-be, please let me know… I’m drawing a blank, and I don’t wanna do the registry thing, she’s more than just a friend to me… thanks!  

So the last few days left me feeling a little wacky and off balance… I can’t say that I’ve found the middle again quite yet… as certain ideas are still in my head … but i’m good for now. Yesterday was my last day of class for the summer… and thank GOD it was. The last two weeks I’ve been planning a baby shower for one of my closest friends and cousins. If you don’t know, two weeks is not long enough… not when you have a job, papers, exams… and oh yeah… somewhat of a social life, lol. Anyways… I got everything together (no procrastinating, oh my!) and somehow managed to get A’s on all my work, meet 95% of my deadlines for my job, and patch up a few friendships that have fallen to the wayside because of my no frills busy life. I still owe a few some phone calls.. I see you TJ.

So now… a 3 hour drive… more planning, decorating, and gift buying… then back here for the show, K. Hill’s We Got Next Tour pt. 2!!! 

I’m super excited about seeing him and his performance, its been too long…. and even MORE excited about seeing my parents… Dad drove for the first time this week… he says he still feels dizzy, and it was weird, but hey, its a step in the right direction, right? Mom sounds tired on the phone… i’m glad to be able to go and help her with stuff for a few days. I’m always good for providing a few laughs.

All in all, things are good right now… there are a few things I need to figure out… and others I need to leave alone… but i won’t front, my ego has been stroked a few times in the past few days… some of them… probably not for my good… but the others….   I saw a highschool crush… back then i was 14 and he was 18… he was not "studyin" me. On Saturday night… it was a whooooooole different story, lol… The look on his face when I told him who i was just priceless, lol… I thought i overdressed (shut up J.M. ), but after realizing he was there… well… lets just say God was looking out for a sista, lol. I’m not the least bit interested in him…but its always nice to have your head blown up just a little from time to time. heh

Welp, off to dreamland for my usual 2-3 hours of sleep! Leave me love! and Happy HUMP day!!! That one is especially for J.J.  

I miss you too.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Libra (Sep 23 - Oct 22)

An old repetitive pattern may now be back on your plate as you feel the pressure of the first quarter Moon. Any feelings of inadequacy are brought to the surface, where they can magically transform into more healthy expressions. Even if it feels as if you’ve hit a wall, remember that you can gain a lot of perspective from this experience. This can help you in pushing past your own resistance to change.

This, coupled with all I was feeling last night is quite interesting. I have to explain… i have never decided where I stand on astrology…I am a libra, and everything in my personality seems to fall within that sign’s attributes… so I am incredibly interested in the science of the stars… I read the stuff… and more often than not, it applies… maybe the fact that there is something mystical and mysterious about the whole thing draws me in… as we all know i’m a little wacky at times, lol. Anyways… I’m still feeling a little bit of last night. I hope today brings about a fresh, new beginning… *sigh*

It must be easier to assume that I cannot see the circles you walk in. Maybe its just much simpler to believe that I can’t see through the things you do…. it makes me angry some moments… then the next I want to live in that dreamland with you, and pretend that I don’t know why you’re doing this… I want to close my eyes to all that you’ve done in the past, and engulf myself in all that you’re giving out. Sick of the pep talks, and the compliments pertaining to my strength and will power and all that jazz… I wanna be weak tonight. I want to do exactly what I feel… ‘cause lord knows its rising to the surface in this moment… nothing lustful and secular… its all pure… and real… and… well it just is. I don’t know how to quench this thirst… what would be the appropriate response to this question? Every action leads to a reaction…

I. Don’t. Know. What. To. Do.

but that’s a great untruth… because I do know what to do. I know exactly what needs to be done… but i’m an adult, and I don’t want to do that. Why did the path lead here? I’m tempted to check the sky to see if father moon is at his fullest tonight…guess i’m just searching for an answer to a question i keep asking myself. Talked to a friend I hadn’t spoken to in awhile tonight. We went thru similar situations around the same time… and although continents away, she seemed to be thinking of the same issue. Isn’t it funny how multiple individuals can be dealing with the same things?

Why am I here right now? Why? Why do I have all of these questions… and why can’t i just let it go? The answer is not the one many would give me. See, i’m not typical.. and therefore, neither are my emotions. The thoughts inside this head don’t work the way yours do, and so that stuff we read about in my psych books? Nah, it doesn’t always work on this gal right here. See I’ve analyzed this thing all the way to sunday… turned it over a million different ways… and one thing remains the same… it doesn’t add up. This is ridiculous.

I’m pissed…and I’m tired… and i’m fed up with the games my own heart and brain seem to be playing on me lately. I’ve been having dreams I can’t seem to remember… feeling things I can’t seem to get rid of, and thinking thoughts that i can’t seem to process… I am blessed… i don’t forget that… but I feel so unbalanced right now.

Lord please strengthen this foundation. Give me answers to just a few of these questions I have… What am I missing? Why can’t I see what someone else does? I’m restless.. tired and sleepy all in the same… yet my eyes don’t seem to close until the sun rises to greet me yet again. I feel…

I don’t know what it is that i’m feeling… uneven.. and unbalanced…and unhinged… and coincidentally… i’ve spoken, and written those words again… whats even funnier… is that I don’t believe in coincidences….

I had a thought, or two… or ten… that i shouldn’t have had.   Not bad ones, per se…. just… inappropriate… and see, I knew this was coming, I just… didn’t think it would happen the way it did… but you know what.. late at night, you just never know.  

There was an episode of girlfriends… when Joan’s friends tried to talk her out of dating this guy. Now, I won’t tell you why they did… ‘cause that would mean me putting myself on blast…  but anyways… i got a little comfortable.. and forgot…  forgot who I was talking to, lol. I need to chill out or I might end up like Joan on that episode… even though she and ol boy ended up being friends even afterwards…. hmmm *smacks own hand* lemme stop! LOL

anyways… this is just a testament to the fact that both men and women act based off emotions sometimes… maybe even hormones… heck, i dunno.

I wonder why people’s brains go to the gutter at night? Not mine, of course… 

on another note:

I saw HER tonight. I can’t describe the feeling that came over me… it was surreal… and I haven’t had time to process it yet. Um… yeah… i  just don’t know. One thing was clear… she knew who I was… and if she didn’t know.. then that theory about exchanging energies…. is very real. She KNEW me… and as weird as it sounds.. I don’t think she knew what to feel either. How funny this world is…In another life, she and I might have been friends, exchanged hair secrets, and talked about our love lives…but in this one, two strangers with a common thread would lock eyes in a restaurant, and send each other telepathic signals, all while trying to keep our cools. If you believe everything happens for a reason, and I do… whats the meaning of this? What am I to make of this collision? I wonder if she went home to ponder similar ideas… If she pictured my face over and over again at the exact point at which we entered each other’s vision. Did she evaluate every curve, and lock of hair? Did he and all the questions surrounding that era, enter her thoughts just then? I guess no one ever remains completely anonymous in this life. We must all come face to face with our fears, issues, confusions and even our past… one way or another. Sometimes its in the form of an actual individual… who happens to run across your path when you least expect it. Yep… what a collision indeed.

I really despise instigators.. I do… and it takes a lot for me to let it just roll off my back and bite my tongue…. but its lame to see somebody with so little going on in their life, that they feel the need to cause conflict and drama other places.

Maybe you should sit back and think about what may be missing in your life, instead of keeping something stupid going in other people’s… Thats so incredibly lame…. I’m going to ignore it for the moment, while all the time, in my head, thinking how incredibly lame and sad you must be inside…

*smh* must suck to be you sometimes. 

Had a question.. and before I could get a chance to pray and meditate on it… I kinda, sorta got a little itty bit of an answer… kinda. LOL

Could it be? I mean… really… could it? 

Gut vs. Fear… how do I distinguish between the two? could it reeeeeeeeeally be possible?

maybe its silly… but i’m excited… super excited… dare to dream I guess. I’m riding this wave til it dissapears on the sand.