Living Daydream

Why do I always do this to myself???? I know I shouldn’t… but then I do it anyways… its like the real curiosity that killed the cat!!! UGH!!! It almost never ends up the way I want it to..but yet… i still do it. Just once I’d like to be able to resist the urge to see something I KNOW I don’t want to see…. whats worse…. i almost made a call… one that would have been reeeeeal weird….

I just wanna know… but then… I already know the answer… I think I want a different one… lol. But WHY do I want to know that so bad? How will it help me? It WON’T!!! I swear… i’d be soooooooo much better off if I could just stop thinking about everything so freakin’ much. She told me that the other day… that friend of mine… "Kris, really.. you do more thinking than anyone I know… and its almost scary how you tear things apart to think about them… what do you think the rest of the world is doing? They aren’t trying to figure out what that little eye movement meant!!!" She’s right…. I’m going to go to bed now… its the only time i’m not aware of everything that surrounds me… lol and even then.. my dreams are wacky!!!!

let go… let go… let go…. I’m letting go of all things that make me feel uneasy… so yeah… I sometimes  have to say that to myself. Let. It. Go.

But I want… to win. ugh… okay… its Hump Day… I miss saying that to J.J….

I feel the need to end this on a good note… so lets see… um… my uncle got taken off of the ventilator and he’s breathing on his own now!!! YES!!!!   okay.. with that said… off to bed I go.

Lets all pray that I can put together a blog that actually makes sense tomorrow.  

Sometimes… its nice to fantasize about dreams coming true… even when they are incredibly farfetched… Its just fun…. sorta in the same way its nice to have an impossible crush. Its just fun to think of all the what ifs…

I haven’t talked to my friend who sent me the dreamy music yet…. Hopefully I will this week though. I wonder if he knows already?????

A guy that works at my job’s headquarters had a long conversation with my mom this afternoon… He told her I was one of the sweetest people he’d ever met…. "Krissy’s just so kind!" This made me smile… not because I’m stuck on myself… trust me, I’m very aware of each and every one of my faults…. but because I really do try to be very nice to people. Its not hard for me to do.. I just want everyone to be happy, and feel comfortable… on top of the fact that this particular guy is a complete sweetheart! I’m so happy he works here, and I hope that he continues to be happy with his position, because we need him!

I guess, in a world that seems to get more evil by the day… its just nice that somebody appreciates kindness. Some people believe most people are good. I used to feel that way, but I don’t any longer. I think its rare to run across people who are at the very core, genuinely, good people. This is why, when I do find them, I keep them in my circle. They are rare gems… The guy that works there, is one of those people. He’s been through a lot… his life story is one that many wouldn’t be proud of… but he’s perfect. So, this made me shine on the inside, and it inspired me to continue doing what I know is right, whether it is appreciated or not.

My cousin had her baby… I’m not sure if I posted about it or not.. but she was born Saturday, August 18th!!! I was there seconds after she popped out.. and she’s perfect, and beautiful… and I’m in love. I can’t describe it. Everytime I hold her I love her more. Its like she’s MY baby!! LOL. Don’t get me wrong, I am in NO way wanting a child of my very own anytime soon… but this little precious human being is just…. oh my goodness… there are no words. I really am just in love. I have always loved kids. Infants have a special place in my heart… so its no wonder I always fall in love when I’m with them. I was holding her when she got home from the hospital. I held her in my arms from five o’clock til 9 o’clock…. she was sound asleep and I could NOT stop looking at her. My cousin laughed at me… told me I had it bad… but I can’t help it. I just… marvel at God’s perfect plan… this itty bitty six pound human is laying in my arms…. and she looks just like what I would imagine an angel to be… y’all… I just… *sigh* . She wouldn’t go to sleep for her mom and dad.. but she falls right to bed with me… and i think its ‘cause i’m warm and fluffy, lol. My mom told me that I’ve always had that effect on children… that they feel safe with me. I can kinda feel that as well. There’s never anxiety… only love. We had a conversation about it, and I realized that this is something that many people have told me throughout my life…

"I feel safe with you."

"I feel such a peace when I’m around you."

"You make me feel so comfortable."

Whats actually even more interesting, is that this was one of the reasons my ex and I broke up. I was more of a comfort to him than an actual mate… which… he was getting from someone else . Just makes me wonder what it is, exactly… that i give off. What is it that people feel/sense? I’ll have to think about that a little while longer… 

On another note… lets add one more to the list of "come backs." I swear… its like the ex’es of Christmas Past! LOL!!! Sabe told me I’m putting something out into the universe that is making my ex’es come back to me. She was referring to the secret. I haven’t figured it all out yet.. but I do believe everything happens for a reason. I also believe that there is a bigger lesson in all of this that I need to go on with my wonderful future. I’ll be honest and say that I have yet to figure out what that lesson is… but I have a few ideas. If you’re interested, ask me personally… I’ll share. I’ll also ask you what YOU think I’m supposed to get out of it. So.. HELP ME!

random nothing thoughts:

-i miss him… we’ve been playing phone tag since May. I hear he’s made big changes… and I need to hear his voice. Of all the friends that I’ve made since I’ve moved here… he’s the one I feel comfortable with. He makes me feel safe… and i just know that when I’m with him, nothing bad will happen to me. If only things could be different… I think Mom sensed that when she met him too. Love is love.

-I LOVE FALL!!!! and its coming!!! I WILL be sitting in front of my fireplace all in love this year… TJ.. I KNOW you feel me! click

-I’m going to see her again this weekend (my week old god daughter)!!!!! yay for babies!!!  

I have some wonderful friends. Tonight was rough for me. I’m dealing with a few things that I haven’t disclosed to some. I’m worried about my mom and dad… and I’m in prayer about my uncle. I have a friend who made me laugh.. brought a smile to my face… and took my mind off of everything, if even for a few brief moments.

People don’t always know how special they are… they don’t know how appreciated they are. We should really tell people how we feel.. because life is much too short.. and these moments, precious as they are, get away, often before we have time to reflect on them. So I’m taking this time to reflect. I know how blessed I am. Even in my confusion, anger, sadness, and exhaustion… I KNOW how blessed I am. I am incredibly thankful for my friends.

Thank you JWM. You know I love you!!!  

I’m feeling super exhausted tonight. Its been a rough week. My uncle is very sick. He’s my dad’s brother, closest sibling.. the two of them are best friends. Uncle Chuck has a lot of problems.. he’s had a few heart attacks, two strokes, terrible diabetes, high blood pressure… (he’s NOT overweight!!!) A few weeks ago he had one of his legs amputated. He went to the hospital again on Tuesday to have the other one amputated. Halfway thru the surgery, he died… they brought him back… but he was without oxygen for 6 minutes. Now, he’s on a respirator, not breathing by himself… his eyes are fixed on the ceiling.. no blinking, no movement, no anything. We are all praying… waiting to see the results of the MRI, and the CAT scan.. to determine if there is any brain activity… any swelling… My aunt, and the entire family… we’re all just kinda… lost… frightened… in complete disbelief.

I’ve been trying to handle my fear alone. I’ve mentioned it to a few people…. but its late at night when I get upset. 2007 has been a good year for me personally…. but other issues seem to engulf me. I keep having these issues with friends…. health problems in the family… its just been tough. I’d like to think i’m a tough girl. I deal with whatever the world throws me. I get upset, cry sometimes…. scream in a pillow.. take a long drive/walk… then i’m okay. But I gotta be real for a moment here. I’m overwhelmed.

God…. i know you haven’t forgotten me… I know I have your favor. And I know that all things work together for the good of those who love you. So Lord… you knew this day was coming. You saw it all before it happened. I just pray that you give me the strength to do what I have to do. I pray that you cover my family in your blood… and that you hold us together through whatever is to come… I pray that you show me what to do in my relationships with my friends… that you guide my steps, and that you govern what comes out of my mouth… Most of all Lord…. I just pray that your will be my will… because I know sometimes how hard that can be to accept.

Amen. 

There’s so much to say… and yet, I feel like I will run out of time trying to write it all. Let’s take this moment by moment.

In this moment… i’m listening to music that someone told me to check out. Now this is different, because this wasn’t a rapper who wanted me to check out his stuff… it wasn’t anybody in the music bizz who needed an opinion on his talent, or beats… it was just somebody special… who said he thought of me when he heard it… and thought i’d like to listen… It wasn’t until a day later that I actually gave it a listen… both the tracks, and the streaming music… and I’m…. in loveeeeeeeeee… with the music. Its… ME. I can’t even explain it. A few years ago, a certain CD came out that shall remain nameless… I bought the cd because I wanted to support the artist, though I knew absolutely nothing about them… I bought that CD the same day as I bought Jill Scott’s latest CD. Now, anybody that knows me, knows that I LOVE Jill…. but for some reason, as soon as I put the other cd in my player, I could not take it out. I was instantly hooked… the rhythms… the melodies… the silky notes being sung… the lyrics being rapped… i was mesmorized…. I listened to it incessantly almost for the entire week, and by the end of those five days.. i knew all the words. I could sing the hooks, the interludes, and I could freestyle on adlibs to fill in empty space. Heck, the artist should have paid me to perform with him live. I could have jazzed it up even more, lol. I couldn’t let go of the cd, because each time I’d hit play, this feeling…. washed over me.

I’m definitely a romantic. I do a lot of cheesy stuff, and I tried to stop, but hey, its me. So I had moments where I’d be in my jeep on a sunny autumn day driving down 40 with the sunroof open, windows down… the cd BLASTING! Y’all… i was in LOVE for real. WHen the artist went on tour, I was one of the ones standing in lines waiting on the doors to open. It was surreal to be there singing the words… feeling like that moment would be everlasting. To this very day, it remains one of my favorite cd’s. Don’t ask me what it is, I won’t tell you. Not for awhile at least. Most folks always have something to say when I reply… and that’s not needed. Its special to me… and that entire era of my life is no less special.

You’re probably wondering why I took that little trip down memory lane. Its because when I went to check out the aformentioned music, I was not looking for anything in particular. I just wanted to see what it was that he thought I would like. What I got was a huge shock… a lot of this music was so similar to the tracks on the cd I love… I went thru each song.. then to their website, and I have at least four cd’s to purchase now. That’s wild.

He doesn’t even know me well enough to suggest music this good…. and he got it right. What does that mean? Hmm.. well even if he lost points earlier this week, he’s gaining them back right now with this little surprise.

 I guess people surprise you sometimes… and its not always a bad thing. I’m not quite sure what to make of that little situation… but I’m going to live life… and see where it takes me. At least I’ll have some beautiful music to ride to in the meantime!

I walked in and spoke to a few folks… some weird girl told me I was gorgeous like 3 times, then proceeded to tie all the strings on my shirt before sniffing me. Nice, but weird, lol. I went over to say hello, he kissed my hand and said he missed me. Its been awhile, it was nice to be back in the atmosphere. A few songs later… blue eyed brown girl came over to hug me and tell me I looked nice. "You are glowing!!! Oh my GOD… you are!!! are you in love?"

not even close, lol.

She didn’t believe me. I don’t know where the glow came from to be honest. I looked a little different when I glanced at my reflection before leaving… but I don’t know why. Her conclusion scared me… juuuuust a little. The hair is still curly… I have no idea why… but somebody seems to like it. I guess I can dig it.

I got to see them again for the first time in forever… and it warmed my heart. They will never know what all of those moments meant to me. They are priceless… I will always treasure those nights at the BC… Great, genuine guys who have my back through whatever… absolutely priceless.

 what an unexpected evening all around… it was wonderful. puzzle, completed.

Okay so i’ve decided that its the heat… The heat (which by the way is up to 103 degrees) is making me crazy…  even crazier than usual, lol. Its messing with my hormones… but then, i think its messing with a LOT of people’s hormones. I started considering weird stuff… and um… yeah.. i’ll just leave that statement riiiiiiiiiiiight there.

Its been a weird day. My hair still isn’t done… gotta finish it by tomorrow if I wanna look decent when I go out… 

I got that call I was waiting on that had me on edge.. what can I say, I worry about folks! The other situation is a puzzle I’m trying to figure out… and yeah.. i’ll admit it, sometimes its fun… I got an apology that I believe to be quite sincere. That makes the second in a few months. Wow, must be something in the water. How come folks can’t figure all this out when they’re actually with me? 

Eventually folks, I will give you a blog entry that isn’t quite so random…. but things have been pretty random in life lately… so I leave you with my horoscope for the day. I found it to be extremely appropriate.

 You’ll find new appreciation for the smaller things in life if you just slow down.

definitely something to take to heart.  

I just spent the last hour writing my most personal entry yet… and its somehow gone… I didn’t push one button, and its gone. I have no idea what happened… and it left me in tears as there’s no way I can get those words back…. but I have to believe there is a reason for the absence of words on this screen…. It is now 5:03 am… no sleep yet. I will take my teary-eyed emotion self to bed… and pray for a better tomorrow.

Peace in the midst of a storm…. 

I know its been awhile since i’ve written… got back into town, and i’ve been chilling. Spending quite a bit of silent, quality time all by myself, and its been nice.

A few things… it felt like sugar… the brown kind… and i miss it. It was like floating on a cloud, very natural… and right. Sometimes I can’t help wondering… what if… but I will keep that to myself, because that’s what the right thing is… and you know me… ms. spike lee do the right thing.  

I am still in a funk. This one is taking awhile to pass… and i’m not sure why. There’s a phonecall that needs to be returned, that might help. There are unanswered questions I have…. not having resolution sucks sometimes.

My hair is still curly, and it feels like it gets bigger day by day… I will wash it and twist it and tame the mane someday this week before I start looking like Mufasa. A friend told me big hair was sexy, though… so hey.

I have only answered my phone once all day long. Its been ringing non-stop, and yet, I have no urge to speak to anyone. I’m fine though… I just don’t want to talk. In the meantime, i think I want another camera… all because of K.Hill and his stage show. The show was crazy, and I enjoyed myself.

*sigh* I’m sorry… not much to talk about… i’ll return when I’m less boring. Hope all is well out there in cyberworld. 

so… i had this long blog entry to type… about my mood.. about how i’ve been feeling recently… all the details. Then I deleted it. Mainly, because I don’t want to be misunderstood. Then I realized, that no matter what I type, do, or say…. i will always be misunderstood by someone.

I know I keep complaining.. but hey, its my blog right?  

I’m done. Today was another day… and honestly… I’m just not feeling it. I felt unpretty today. Which made it difficult to receive compliments. I went to work onsite, and saw people I hadn’t seen in quite sometime. I don’t know if it was the hair or the outfit, or what… but i just didn’t feel it. I wanted to scream "shut UP!!! please quit talking to me." I don’t know. I used to enter into this completely anti-social realm about twice a year… i’d just stop talking to people and kinda hibernate in my own little world until I felt like coming out again. I’m not planning on doing that..but i gotta be real about this thing. Honestly, I feel like I just don’t get people at the moment. Stuff just doesn’t make sense. I study human behavior… I know the deal… but some of y’all… I swear…. lol.

Sometimes I love being alone with my thoughts. I can understand things once I’ve had time to mull them over in my head… and I think one of the reasons I’ve been so "blah" lately, is due to the insane amount of people from my past who have suddenly re-entered my life. I mean even today out at dinner, yet another person from years ago pops up, number in hand telling me to keep in contact. Its not that I don’t want them there… its just that with all the stuff happening in the last few months, I haven’t gotten that me-time to sit down and really process the whole thing. I believe all things happen for a reason, and for me, at least… there is usually something I am supposed to get out of each experience. I usually find those lessons essential for my own personal growth and development. But I haven’t gotten to the lesson, because I haven’t given them the time they deserve. So trying to make sense out of it, leads to one big ol headache, and complete unrest in my mind. I won’t get a chance to do this until Saturday… but I plan to definitely take a crack at it then.

I sound absolutely looney don’t i? Deal with it, its how my brain works, lol.  For those who know me as typical chipper Krissy… don’t fret… she’ll be back soon. For now my brain feels crowded… and as someone who relies so heavily on her wits, thoughts, and feelings… that’s a heavy thing.

In other news: Dad goes to the beach for the closing on the house on Friday… TJ gave me great advice… even regarding the bad decision I wanna make.. yup, I’m taking it as it is, and having fun with it for the moment… my hair is curly, but I’m trying my darndest to change that… and I miss my friends.

*muah* this chick is heading to bed early tonight for a change!