Living Daydream

the sun shines again… like we all knew it would.

I’m okay. Thanks for the concern! Its a beautiful Saturday, and I plan to spend it outside (in the heat) with my family. We are going to the arts district to hang out… then later, mom is cooking out with another couple, so I’ll go visit friends and get some quiet time in there.

If anything, this whole summer has taught me to appreciate my family so much more. I’ve always been close to them… its just how we roll… but to really understand that things can change in an instant… a twinkling of an eye… wow. It really puts things in perspective. The beautiful thing is though, that no big changes need to be made. We all know how much we love one another, we say it, and show it every day. Its just nice to be here… and get in that quality time, ya know? Especially after the storm has passed. There’s much healing to be done.. and I know it won’t be easy. But we’re gonna make it!

I hope everyone is enjoying their weekends… Happy Birthday to Sabra!!!!  

Okay… came home late last night. Got up at 6am to prepare for the funeral… we left the house at 9am… got back from everything at 6pm. To say I’m exhausted would be the biggest understatement of the year. I feel like i’ve said that a million times…

um… it was….hard. My dad took it soooooo hard…. we knew he would… but it was just… heart breaking to see. I’m worried about my cousin… (Chuck’s son, who is FINE by the way, no-incesto). He was so cool through out the whole thing.. he walked out a few times.. but he isn’t close to most of the fam.. cordial, yes.. close to? not hardly. He feels close to me, even though we haven’t had a lot of time to spend with each other… i really need to call him more often. We need to hang out. *sigh*

yeah but, we had to drive an hour after the service to the cemetary because he was a veteran… they always do the thing with the flag.. then the horn/trumpet plays.. and omg… everybody lost it. My dad… wow. You know what, I’m going to stop talking about it here, because its too much. To be completely honest, I feel like I’m on freakin’ emotion overload. I’m from one feeling to the next, and I just wanna scream!!! I haven’t returned any of my phone calls because I’m trying to center myself, and return to the regular world.. but I just… maybe I just need to rant. 

WAIT! This is a blog…. my own personal diary… where I can say whatever I want… HA!

here begins my emotional, completely irrational, crazy, wacko rant… and as you read this, please keep in mind that I haven’t lost my mind, and also that, many of the feelings I express in the next few minutes may in fact be gone by the time I hit "finish." It is, just a rant, after all.

I’m tired. Like.. physically tired. Its no secret that my sleeping habits are no good. I tend to stay up all night, then I get up super early in the morning for class and work… I am TIRED. Some days I just want to sleep til I feel satisfied. Not all day.. just til my body says, "ahhhhhhh, yes! i am energized! lets start the day now!" I want to wake up without an alarm clock. I’m so very sick of people imposing their expectations onto me. I am ME people! Not you… ME. I am different, and I’m weird… I like cheesy movies, and pretty love songs from the 90’s… I like dressing up for no good reason… feminine clothes in pretty colors and fabrics that make me feel like i’m floating. Soft scents that tease my nose when the wind blows… I hate the fact that so many people have taken advantage of my kindness.. I hate the fact that men I have dated didn’t appreciate me for me… and i have even more than all of that… that i allowed it. I don’t understand how you can be so selfish when you have someone who loves you with every bit of your being… who gives all of themselves unconditionally…. loyal… sensual… loving… How could you NOT want to keep that forever? HOW? Someone explain that to me!!!! Why the HECK would you cheat on that.. or let it go… Why wouldn’t you fight with all you have to keep that… How can people be so cold. I want to fall in love… or do i? Is it even worth it anymore? I want to be this person who is open to all of life’s possibilities.. I want to be the one last black girl left who isn’t bitter… or looking to take the things of her past out on the man in her future. I want to give all of this love I have in my heart to someone deserving, and KNOW that they will treasure it.. and love me back… forever. But I just dont know. I’m pissed that reading a private exchange tonight made me furious… and even sad… because its supposed to be in my past. I’m hurt, because of all of the memories I have… and had… and I just…. don’t.. get it. I don’t understand why someone as sweet, and kind.. and perfect like my dad has to experience hurt the way he did today. Why? I don’t know a better man. My father has been the model dad. Don’t believe Bill Cosby exists? My dad proves you wrong. He has been a faithful husband, and loving father… he has been a provider… and giver… he has held my hand thru life’s obstacles.. and he’s been my backbone when I didn’t have faith in myself. He’s been an example for how a real man should treat the one he loves. He has gone to church every sunday, never forgetting to tithe… He is my Daddy… and today I saw him hurt… in a way I never have before. Why? Why do bad things happen to good people? I’m a Christian, and I know the answer to that.. but i just don’t feel like thinking about that tonight. I’m tired. I’m tired of having things happen… with no resolve.. things that bring tears to my eyes… things that make me go on rants like this one.. only to have the feelings resurface the next week. I want to see my friends happy. I want my friends to achieve their goals… I want…

I want to have all the things that I sometimes think I deserve… and you know what? I have such a hard time typing that. Why? Because who am I to tell somebody I deserve something? What have I done thats so great? and let me not forget how incredibly blessed I am. OMG.. my family is so  blessed… nobody is struggling… nobody is sick…. We are truly blessed… but sometimes… i just wanna be selfish… and self centered. I want to scream and say have you not seen all the things I do? Have you not heard all the prayers I offer up daily for my friends and loved ones? My heart.. my heart is pure. I want nothing but the best for all those I love… and yet.. i feel like maybe my number got missing in the mail or something. I feel like crying.. for no reason at all… well.. that’s not entirely true. Why does it have such an affect on me? I’m just tired.. and overwhelmed… Trying to hang in there… i keep saying that this is just the season. Oh… how I am awaiting fall. Please bring me peace.. and sanity. I need a release… A hug… maybe a nice shoulder massage from a man who loves me… a passionate kiss…or three… an embrace that speaks more volumes than words ever could. I want to lay on a sofa all cuddled up while we listen to faith sing "soon as i get home." I just want to…. be… just be… peacefully…. I don’t know. I have so much to say… but I need to say it in a way that makes sense… I apologize… for this big run on… sentence/paragraph/rant thingy…. I just needed a release. and ahhhh…. there it is.

Please keep us in your prayers. It is over. I can get back to normal again….expect calls. 

Please be patient with me…. things are a little… well a lot crazy right now. I’m okay, but the truth is, I’ve been feeling like I can’t catch up since May. My dad… now this.

My uncle passed away this afternoon. I was able to see him, spend time with him just two days before. He wasn’t able to speak… but he was alert, and looking around. The doctor’s seem to think he was brain dead, and in a coma, but I disgree. I talked to him… prayed and prayed and prayed… and I touched him… held his hand, rubbed his arm, his face… He looked at me… with everyone in that room, he just kept looking at me. I love my uncle. My dad is torn up… that was the closest sibling he had… he and Chuck had a very special relationship. 

I guess I’m just hoping that this is the end of the tragedies for awhile. I want everything to go back to normal. I want my dad to fully recover… I want my family to heal.. I want my mom to not be stressed out. I want to go to bed at night and not worry.

Um… I keep wanting to write about the other things in my heart… but I just don’t have the energy. I went to see my god daughter the other day with my mom. That was such a bright spot. I went twice in the same day, so I guess its safe to say I’m caught up, lol. She’s just… perfect. It was so nice to just sit with her in my arms.. this little person just looking up at me before drifting off to the deepest slumber. It felt like a little escape from all the craziness of hospitals, and crying family members…

I leave here to go back to my place for class… then I will come right back in 3 days for the funeral. I still feel kinda numb.. I dunno…

If you are reading this, and you’re one of the few that have been trying to contact me, please accept my apologies. I will call, text, myspace, email, etc very soon. I have lots of life to catch up on… and err packages to mail. ugh… this is procrastination at its finest.

Please keep me, and my family in your prayers. Its much appreciated. I will attempt to blog a little more often if nothing but just for updates. Love y’all.