Living Daydream

For today:

Carry on as you normally would today. Deal with emotional outbursts as they come.

So I took the advice of some people I love and trust… and it just happened to go along with yesterday’s ’scope… I prayed on it… sought out advice, and listened to my heart. I’m not sure about the outcome, but I know my heart is in the right place. I’m learning that no matter how much planning and preparation you do, you cannot control the actions and thoughts of others. Things right and wrong often seem so clear to me… that I have a hard time understanding when others don’t see it. But its not up to me to make up their minds.

So looking at today’s horoscope… i pray there will be no outbursts… in fact I pray that all the things God is putting in motion that I can’t see, are working together for my good… God willing, this will be a good day!

In other news, my birthday was Oct.20th.. and i didn’t do anything because I told my friends I wanted to just do my own thing. Well, some very special people put together a belated birthday dinner for me… its supposed to be this evening, we’ll see how that goes. I think its drinks with the girls somewhere afterwards… should be nice.

I spoke to my cousin and my goddaughter earlier and she’s 12 pounds!!!! LOL… I miss her so much!!! I get to go to her Christening this Sunday.. gotta remember to pack something for it.

Thats it for tonight… spirits are high.. let’s pray they stay there!!! Hey.. anybody dressing up for halloween???I was thinking I’d be an . That is, until I saw somebody else with my idea… and um.. also when we sorta cancelled the plans, lol… Hit me up and let me know what you’re going to be!
 

Embrace the chaos of today, and grab up all those loose ends. Lead with your heart.

Just checked my horoscope… What does THAT mean? People always say that… listen to your heard, lead with your heart, your heart knows what to do.. UGH… no.. i need some details..  what the freak, does this ish mean? HUH???  

I was having a good day… It was a little hectic, had to get stuff together very last minute for a presentation… so that had me feeling a little frantic… but I got it, and my presentation was fabulous, so mission accomplished…

Came home and watched a bit of tv… The Hills, Girlfriends, and The Game to be exact… then Sabe had me watch a guy have a colonoscopy on Oprah… I surfed the net for awhile…  then I got to talk to my friend T!!!!!!!!!!! She encouraged me to be more open on here… and I thank her for it..’cause I have a LOT to get off of my chest. It will take me awhile.. but my next few entries should be very honest and candid.

I miss my friend. I miss him so much. We had a bond like no other. It wasn’t sexual.. it wasn’t romantic… it was just… different, and special.. and I love him a lot. I don’t understand how somebody can be so close to you, then just walk away… I haven’t done anything to deserve this… he blames me for something that is just not so… I won’t go into the details of the whole thing… ‘cause I just don’t want to get emotional tonight.. but the gist of it, involves him not believing me as loyal… which could not be further from the truth. There was only one place I wanted to be… and that was where I was!!!!

I just don’t understand it… and I almost feel heartbroken… I’m not used to having friends walk away from me without a valid reason. I miss him. Tee tells me to let it go… to walk away… and that might be what I have to do… but where did the friendship go?? Eff the business side.. what about the FRIENDSHIP!?? We’ve seen each other thru some mess… when my dad was sick, i burst into tears with him on the phone.. nobody else.. just him.. it let me know that i felt truly comfortable with him… and the thought of it all just being done… is just…

I met a guy last night who asked for my number after making himself at home in MY booth during MY dinner…. we talked for about an hour and a half… and he told me that I didn’t feel "open" to him. Tee says I’ve become a cynic.. and they’re both right. I’m having a problem just understanding how people work… I’m going to school to do just that… I get told weekly that I have a gift for talking to people, and understanding them… and yet, I feel kinda lost at the moment. Osama tried to holla at me at the gas station.. even over the loud speaker.. If you’d like to know what happened, just ask me.. its a funny story.

The point is, I think somewhere down the line, I cut off my radar. I can’t read people. I don’t know what to expect, what to believe, heck, not even what to think. I think some of the experiences that I’ve had in the past make this all so. I thought this was a good thing… took my mind off of the b.s. guys that tried to holla. Ive been able to focus on me, and all the stuff I need to handle… school’s going well.. work is.. well.. its work… im hitting up the gym daily… my hair is thick and fuzzy, lol.. the fam is good. Things have been good.. but I think I’ve been distancing myself from some of the things that are also important. I’ve been ignoring parts of life that are the most worth living… maybe in the name of fear.

I’m afraid to get hurt again.. .I’m afraid to be lied to… I’m afraid a friend I love will decide they hate my guts for no reason.. I’m afraid I’ll give my all to someone and have them take advantage and break my heart. I’m AFRAID. There, I said it. I don’t wear it on my sleeve… To most it comes off as pessimism, or indifference.. but the truth is just that my heart has been through so much, I just wonder what the maximum mileage is on this thing, before it forgets how to work, ya know?

I don’t have a solution right now. But writing this tonight has help me put to bed some of the anger I was feeling when I started. I’m going to go to bed.. and pray about sending the email I’ve already typed. The wonderful thing about this whole situation, is that in a few days, I will be in the best place on earth… blessed with a wonderful surprise. I’m thankful for the friends that I do have…

G’night…  

Tears:

You know what… sometimes people surprise you… in a good way. This is huge because while people do surprising things everyday, rarely are they positive. I mean, usually when somebody i know surprises me, it makes me angry, or leaves me feeling upset, lol. Dag, that sounds awful! I’m not a pessimist, i promise!

But anyways, I got a few surprises over the last 4 or 5 days, and they put a smile on my face. Its amazing when you connect with someone in a way you didn’t think was possible. Its nothing big or deep… its just simply what it is… and its beautiful.

I’m learning a few lessons lately. I am learning not to try to figure everything out. People have told me this over and over again…and I never listen. Its not because I’m stubborn. I am a thinker. Thinking is just what I do.. its who I am… Seriously… even biologically… and I know this for certain, because I just completed an absolutely wonderful, mind-blowing oral presentation on the subject (well, not this subject per se ) but thats not the point.

The point is that, i often spend large amounts of time trying to figure out things that I have absolutely no way of knowing… I think in my head I believe if I dissect it enough times, I will eventually get it. This is rarely the case, lol. It just leads me to a million crazy endings that i’ve imagined… and I make myself angry.

So anyways, because of the craziness in my family over the summer, and the catching up school wise I’ve had to do… I haven’t really had the time to do my normal amount of pondering. The truth is, its been driving me crazy… but i let go and just handled business.. and something amazing happened.

So here is the point. No matter how many times you’ve been thru a situation.. or how many people you meet,there is no absolute way of predicting whether or not this time will be different. That goes for anything, in any situation. I’ve been living life, day by day… instead of planning every move. Life is happening to ME for a change… and although I’m not promising this will last very long… I’m enjoying it for the moment.

This past weekend was awful… I will have to tell you about that in my next blog. But anyways… the thing that has been baffling me lately.. is my eye. Its been twitching for like 3 weeks now! I feel like Tyrone Biggums the crack head! Thats not nice is it? I mean… nobody else can see it, but it feels like they can, and its annoying. I need to figure out what the problem is… so of course I did a search for it on the interweb (as my cuz would say, ) and I self diagnosed.

It said  your eye twitches because of: lack of sleep (check), staring at a computer screen too long (check), too much caffeine (hmm.. starbucks coffee… yup, check!), or stress (ding ding ding!!!).

So, considering i have all of those… I guess its my own fault. But still.. this has to stop.. have any of you had this problem? What did you do to curb it? HELP YOUR GIRL!!!

Okay… well, its 3am (see, this is why my eye is twitching!!!) and I must go to bed. I hope you guys are all doing well. I’m hitting the gym extra hard these days because I just found out I’m going to be Maid of Honor in my cousin’s (my God daughter’s mom) wedding. Geez… as if my locks weren’t fuzzy enough. This daily washing and rinsing is making them extra puffy…

Okay so I couldn’t resist sharing the horoscope for today, lol.. 

A shift is going on in a relationship. Luckily, it will create good results.

G’nite all!  

It’s up to you to push your people to start communicating in more meaningful ways.

 This is my horoscope for today… LMAO!!!! This is so completely hilariously true for reasons that I will not explain. HA!!!

and yes… i know i’ve been blogging about horoscopes a lot lately…but its just that kinda mood right now. I’ll be back to holla tonight. I have an incredibly important oral presentation to give in about an hour.  

Your growing self worth comes from deep within you. Don’t attribute it to others.

That was my horoscope for today.

At the moment I am furious. My friends are really pissing me off. One in particular is acting a fool… She is petty, immature, and vindictive… and to be honest, I’m just wondering about where the friendship is going. I haven’t questioned it in this way in a very long time, but lately I feel like I need to do emotional inventory. There is so much going on in my life… and I feel like there is only space for the people who need/want to be here. The rest can figure it out later.

I believe that the people you keep around you significantly influence you and your life and even your spirit. Its the reason why if you start to date someone who isn’t good for you, you may end up feeling broken, or hopeless… I think we need to be careful with the people who we love and let close. I haven’t spoken to one of my friends in over a month. We used to talk/email/im/see each other almost daily… and now things are strained. I want nothing more than to repair the relationship..but I feel like thats something that God and time will have to take care of. With the friendship I referenced earlier, I feel like…. its been in the making for awhile… we are so different.. and sometimes I don’t know where her loyalty lies… I feel like she has different sides, and you never know which you’re going to get. She’s also very moody…w hich is something i’ve never been able to deal with effectively. I spoke to my mom about it… she instructed me to pray… So I did. I’m going to leave the whole thing alone for now… continue to pray.. and live my life. Other than that… I’m all out of ideas.

I feel like I work hard to be a good person. I treat people well… and I’m considerate. I don’t understand why that seems to be so hard for others to do. I also don’t understand why I seem to be being penalized for things I simply didn’t do. I’m angry at this moment.. which just makes me even more mad, because that means she won. I let her get to me….

I’m going to pray, and take a nap…. and when I wake up, I will be in a better mood… because life just can’t  be this hard all the time. I deserve a break… and something good happening to me… I know I do… so yes. This will all be better in an hour. *sigh*

My horoscope for today: 

Being in a detached phase is fine, but you’ll be ready to get back in the game soon.

Been ghost for a few months now…. checking in here and there… blogging a little.. and barely keeping in contact with folks… but now people…. i’m back.

Just thought the horoscope was so fitting. I have a LOT to say about life… I’ll be back to post soon.