all the world’s a stage…
If you’ve only met or heard of me recently… allow me to share a bit of my personality flaws with you. Sometimes…. I disappear. Now… I’m not a little chick…. So I don’t become invisible. I don’t melt away like the ice on a road that very first day above 32 degrees… no. I just… disappear. I call it hibernating. Things are normal one day, then the next…. I hibernate. This season can last anywhere from a week up to months… and at the most extreme, years (yes… its happened before).
My friends are usually the ones most hurt by my hibernating. I give no warning, because often, even I don’t know its upon me…. And by the time I’ve retreated into my cave… it seems my communication skills lie dormant as well. Maybe I should provide a little background on the matter.
I’m easy to get along with. I have what most would call an easy personality… pretty laid back, agreeable…positive. I’ve never had enemies… never been on bad terms with an ex boyfriend…remember… I’m pretty easy going. Now… these qualities have been mostly good for me. I’ve always had lots of friends. Been pretty popular, and had good experiences in my interactions with others. I’m really grateful to God for giving me this heart… and this personality, because although I’m not the optimist I used to be, I have managed to fight and fend off bitterness in the evil world we live in. *sigh*
I could continue to name all the wonderful things about being kind hearted, but then we’d never get to the point of this blog…. So moving on:
As you get older, and people notice that you have a big heart, they often don’t know how to handle it. Lets back up a minute. See, I never thought I was anything special. I mean, I knew who I was… and I always liked the person I was, but I thought everyone else was the same way. In my mind, I couldn’t figure out why everybody wouldn’t want to be sweet and nice and agreeable. I mean, it never took any effort for me to be kind… it just happened. I loved making others happy. Doesn’t that sound like something that everyone would want to do?
Of course my naïveté would end after having my heart broken over and over again. I was jolted into reality after realizing that not everyone was like me… in fact, there were many individuals who would prey on those with kind hearts. People take it for granted… they take advantage of you and leave you there to fend for yourself. Alright… enough drama… lets talk about this thing for real.
I’m the person people would come to when they needed advice. I’m the person to call when you need that shoulder to cry on. Having a bad day? Call me…. I’ll be there. I’ll answer and be late for my appointments because YOU have something going on in your life. If there’s something going on, and you need my services… just ask… ‘cause you know I’ll do it… Even if it stresses me out… I’ll do it!
All of this earns me a badge of honor. People say sweet things about me… they brag on my character, and say they intend to keep me as a friend for life… but what does it do for me? Let me tell you what it does. It leads to my hibernation.
Everyone has their breaking point. Everyone has their defense mechanisms… their escapes…. I used to write. Not just blog entries.. I wrote poetry. Not that cheesy mess everybody writes today just ‘cause there’s a pen and pad laying around. I’d sit down with my journal and write for hours… then fall asleep…. And when I woke up, I couldn’t remember writing the words that fell so beautifully on the page before me. I’d memorize those words and perform them at clubs… coffee houses, and small gatherings. That was my escape… but somewhere down the line it wasn’t good enough. All the writing in the world couldn’t erase the tension in my shoulders. I’d write and write… and end up with a headache, with a twitching eye, and sore muscles…because all of the craziness of the day, the week, heck, the year… was still swimming Olympic laps in my head.
People come to expect certain behaviors from you. I’m not mad at that though… by career, education, and creed its what I do as well. I study people and behavioral patterns in order to predict what and why something will happen next. So while I understand it…. I also realize that not everything is by the books. People often do things we don’t expect. Sometimes they act out of character and surprise us.
I will always be me… I’ll be compassionate and loving… I’ll be here for you when you need me… but I sometimes wish others would consider the nurturers among them and ask themselves if they, themselves, offer that same source of comfort when their nurturer finds themselves feeling a bit weak. Are you available when I want to vent? Do you have words of encouragement when I need reassuring? Can you offer me a nonjudgmental ear when things in my life feel out of control? Its important for us to realize that often the strong feel weak. I mean come on, its life. We all have these roles we play in life. Many of us wear several different hats in our various circles… but nonetheless, the role is required for the show to go on… and so, we play them, and the earth continues to turn.
I’m not attempting to reinvent the wheel. I just want to bring a bit of consciousness to those who don’t realize how taxing it can be to never be able to break character for a moment…. Yes…. I hibernate. I attempt to break free of every hat I wear… every character I play… and just…. Be me. Naked, tired, me. And its nice. 2008 has already seen a healthy change. Instead of playing roles when they don’t feel quite right… I simply…. Don’t! Ha! What a simple solution to my problem. I’m inviting you to do the same thing, unapologetically. Lets resolve to wear one hat only. The only one that feels good at that moment. And if that changes tomorrow, pick up another one… because the people who love you, and who know you… will be able to identify where you are and meet you there without issue. For everyone else? Well, talk to them when spring hits and you’re done with hibernation….
All the worlds a stage…. But I’m writing my own script.
