Living Daydream

There’s the core of peace, the ring of fire… and the shallows.

I’m determined to live in the core of peace… no matter what everyone else wants.

Leave fear behind and have a bit of fun.

Its the weekend after a crazy week… JEAH!!! 

sometimes… she drives me crazy…. makes me want to go on a getaway to escape….

then other times, she hits me with the most intense wisdom… and suddenly, i understand that which was previously completely foreign to me. rough day… rough night…

maybe i needed to be this tired. this drained… to be here. in this space. uncomfortable and clueless…. in order to get it.

she mentioned the thing she used to see, that was there no longer… and tears sprung forth from nowhere, and everywhere.

i appreciate her wisdom. it is always most unexpected… even at 2 in the morning… with puffy eyes and a tired spirit.

aware of my words…. careful of those thoughts… thankful for that understanding… 

Honey colored softness…. amber hued warmth… radiates from head to toe… balmy covered tawny glow… envelops everything it touches….

plush

bronzed

melodious 

and beautiful. Beautiful. 

Breathing through it can be difficult at times… but I know I gotta master it. I keep catching myself trying to read minds…. read between the lines, and I’m unsuccessful each and every time. I used to have a knack for it…but somewhere down the line I turned off the switch. I remember deciding to never do it again. I’d allow you (all of you) to bring your thoughts to me… wrapped like a little gift with a red bow on top. Maybe we’d unwrap it together. I’d take it out and look at it from all angles while you explained what it was, in detail.

Other times I’d bring it home and take a look at it behind closed doors. I’d shut my eyes and run my fingers all over the edges and corners.  I’d sit it down on the table and shine a light on the cracks and crevices. Wheels would turn and butterflies would dance about in my stomach while I went over and over all of the textures on this gift you gave me… all until my soul felt satisfied. My heartbeat would start to slow its pace… and my breathing would regulate.

In those moments after the audit is complete, and I can inhale once again… you feel so familiar. How can that be? Had I not known, I would have thought your words—to be mine. The spaces between your nouns and verbs reverberate in my head long after I’ve moved to the next detail and I can’t seem to shake the thought… that maybe what I’m sensing is something deeper than what I can explain in words. It is… parallel… kindred…. and allied.

I’m trying to breathe through it…. but its so daggone hard to catch my breath sometimes. I feel like I’ve had one of those dreams that make you think the other starring character had the same exact dream, at the same exact time. They must know just how you feel… and maybe… they feel it too? Makes you wanna be face to face… searching their eyes for some glimmer of what they’re experiencing in that instant. But then you realize that you’d just be doing what you’ve always done… waiting on that package with the pretty red bow. In reality, the scrutiny never really ends. It gets postponed…. pushed out of mind for awhile. There’s nothing wrong with that. As long as I’m breathing in the meantime. *breathes* *breathes* *sigh*

Even as a child I would sneak away from the two pairs of eyes that seemed to be omnipresent and go write in my diary about all the happenings of the day—my dreams… my wishes… and my fears would all come to life on those pink and lavender scented pages (because yes, even back then, i was a scent freak, lol). The things that I had trouble sorting out in my head…. made perfect sense in print.

I’m finding it difficult to express myself verbally, lately… I think I doubt myself… question it 30 seconds too long before letting them (the words) escape my lips. Its almost exhausting, and when i finally speak… its nothing remotely close to what I’m really feeling. Feels inadequate.

Sometimes I think back to one of my favorite childhood movies… I remember when Bastian was reading about Atreyu fighting the nothing. Bastian had been reading along the entire time, and although there had been little hints here and there, he couldn’t wrap his mind around the fact that he had actually become part of the story. It was not until the childlike empress called out to him that he realized he could no longer deny his part in the whole ordeal. He would forever be a part of the story… and Fantasia would forever be a part of him.

I often feel like I spend so much time thinking about the stuff that I want to say…. That I need to say…. That, I’m not realizing that the story is being rewritten. We all have this blank page to fill up with whatever we choose. We can fill it with laughter and expressions of love and kindness…. Or we can fill it with pain and resentment and regret. The important thing…is just to fill it with something. Fill it…. And Feel it.

All the pondering and wise word choices in the world aren’t worth a darn thing if nothing gets written… Bastian discovered that Fantasia could be his reality, but he first had to make the choice to take an active part in the story. That makes sense to me now. Saying how you feel… what you want… what you see, smell and touch gives you material to fill the pages. Nobody ever said it had to be perfectly poetic…. Just real and honest. The rest is a Neverending Story.

It is… serendipitous.

I won’t pretend that I don’t want to write more about it… release some of the thoughts that have been swimming around in my head today… but I’ll sleep on it for now. Not much catches me off guard these days. Today did… in a very pleasant way.  One thought… two people… and I don’t believe in coincidences. I’m resisting the urge to ruminate, lol.

Have a good night, people.