Living Daydream

Today was strange…. I was super wound up for the first half of it… bouncing around much like a kid on a sugar high… I have no idea why that was, though… considering I hadn’t eaten anything all day, nor had I had my dose of starbucks coffee.

I have no idea where that burst of energy came from…. But I suspect the source is also what has been causing such bizarre and vivid dreams each night. My mind is quite active lately…. At all times of the day and night, and it’s not always a good thing.

I worried about a friend from my past, but when I went to contact them, I could find no information. I’d lost the phone number due to changing cell phones twice, forgotten the webpages… and was ready to concede… when my friend contacted me!!! So that was definitely a bright spot. I’m looking forward to catching up.

I saw a license plate with half of that phrase on it, on my drive back home. It took my breath away for a second, and I won’t lie, I had to regain my composure quickly and refocus on the task at hand (staying in my lane at 85 mph).  I can’t help still wanting to know.

I’m not sure what to expect from this weekend… and it excites me and scares me all at once.  I suppose this is part of the process though. It is what I need. So…..

A friend wrote a blog that had me thinking for awhile… I really wanna post the ENTIRE thing… but he might try to beat me up if i do, lol… so here are a few snippets: 

"any love you hold inside, let me see ‘cause it won’t mean a thing when I leave,"

spending major time with minor people will cause you, yourself to become a minor person.
 

I came here because I had a very specific feeling.
It woke me up out of my sleep and although we did battle, it won. Despite my efforts, it is still there. Its here, and I thought writing about it would help… But I worry that this time, it may only heighten the experience… Make more vivid the images, and make more persistent, these thoughts.

So while I want to talk about that feeling which jolted me out of my sleep… I won’t tonight. I do wonder if your grass is greener, though. After all, the season just changed…and its summer now.

Today was my GREAT Grandmother Sarah’s 91st birthday. She has lived through more significant events in time than I can imagine.

She is beautiful, still youthful looking and perky… and although dementia has taken her mind away from us… she still has very clear moments… in those times, she recognizes my mother by her voice… and has loving words of wisdom for her family members.

Grandma Sarah has taken care of her daughter, her daughter’s six children, and their children’s children. My family has five living generations… and to see us all in one room together is…. breathtakingly beautiful. There really are no words to describe my emotion. My family is blessed… beyond measure.

We surrounded her hospital bed provided to us by hospice… and sung gospel hymns… eyes closed i reflected… i prayed… and I praised God for what He has done, for what He is doing, and for what He will continue to do. I am oh so thankful. I think about the issues that have occupied my mind space lately, and they all seem so insignificant. I have a NINETY ONE year old GREAT Grandmother… she is here with us. I get teary just thinking of her. 

How strong this woman is… how faithful in her walk with God, she has been.. .and after all these years… even now, her mind has stayed on God. People have referred to me as resilient… but I know nothing comes close to what my Grandma Sarah has been. Yes… we are truly blessed.

Happy Birthday Grandma… i pray that you know that you are loved, you are cherished, you are BLESSED…and through all of your works… so are we. 

spent 2 and a half hours… sitting and thinking… wondering why…. it keeps hiding from me.

Its tough when you have so many things to accomplish, so many tasks to complete, but yet…. your mind is full of things to sort out and make sense of.

I guess… when it really comes down to it…. I’m scared. I don’t wanna be. I want to be fearless… I want to stand steadfast in all the things that I believe… and I want to hope.

but

I’m scared.

i’ll put the thoughts away for later and concentrate on the tasks at hand…. though i know they’ll find a way to creep into my mind at the most inconvenient time.

wish i could share them, my fears. 

g’nite.  

Its 4am and I was supposed to be asleep hours ago… but i got caught up with music. It does that to me sometimes. I was on the net just checking on stuff… doing my usual routine with emails for work and personal, you know how it goes…. and I had a headache—which I’m guessing came from the crazy weekend with less than sufficient sleep.

But I put on some music… and it just… mmmmmm…. lemme see if I can put it into words….

Have you ever just had a night where you were just feeling yourself? Like… you felt extra fly…. sexy… sensual… and just… mmm… just good n great? I put this on and it just…. turned me on… but not in a super sexy way… it was sensual… warm…. golden…. I just chilled and did some thinking… sung the little rifts he does at the end. It just took me away.

I planned vacations in my head… saw blue water…. pretty sunsets… I saw me on plush couches… driving through the streets with the sunroof open… I felt wind blowing through my hair… and steam from a hot shower making my skin moist.

I dunno… something about this song just puts me in the best mood. I took a long hot shower….stayed in til i felt little beads of sweat form on my brow… put my head under the stream and just stood there. I got out and rubbed body butter on every inch of skin… slowly, til my hands glided over every curve, the skin glistened…. smelled like oranges and vanilla got together for an orgy on my body and teased my nose til it gave in to join the party….

 mmmm… this song…this SONG, y’all. I wonder if he knew it would have this effect the very first time he laid it down in the booth. I wonder if he pictured women…. and men…. with closed eyes… locked in an embrace laced with passion… Did he know it would take my mind off to the deepest abyss of comfort and peace—- that moment when his lips were inches away from the mic? Mawell crooning in the background makes me smile…. makes me dream…. makes me….. surrender.

So I got to meet the newest little LAWN lady this afternoon, and the one who hasn’t arrived yet, as well!!!! The shower was beautiful. I spent more than I should have on the gift registry, but that’s the thing about shopping for babies… you get in the store and you wanna buy everything you see!!!!! I’m a good gift giver, too.. so maybe that has a bit to do with it! hehe… kidding….. but anyways, it was nice to be in the presence of friends i hadn’t seen in awhile.

It reached 100 degrees today, and it felt closer to 105. I guess heat makes you do crazy things… I didn’t get to bed yesterday til 6am this morning… (don’t ask) up early to shop for the shower and wrap gifts… then off to celebrate. I got back and was able to take a 2-hour nap before the evening began.

Y’all… I rode on the back of somebody’s bike tonight. It was a Honda something (had a buncha numbers i couldn’t remember)… and it started as a dare. I was out with some friends this evening, and we kept wondering why so many black bikers were out and about in town… turns out there was some event in Roxboro or something and the after-parties were all at clubs in our city…. interesting night, lol.. anyways, we were admiring all the bikes and asking questions that apparently made no sense, since they were received with crazy stares and laughs, lol. Two asked us if we wanted to ride… "I’ll ride if she does." See, I thought I was safe since my girl is a chicken… I’m thinking, there’s no way she’s gonna do this… maaaaaaaan…. next thing i know we are on the back of these bikes flying through downtown like lunatics.

Then it hit me.

I MUST BE OUT MY EVERLASTIN MIND!!!!!!!

we didn’t know these dudes!!!! For the first few seconds I was just scared outta my mind… then I started trying to figure out how to get away in case they were planning to kill us!!!! LOL… but then… I just let go and enjoyed the ride.. and NOW… I want one. I WANT A BIKE Y’ALL!!! 

So yeah… crazy right? *smh* I’m out….  

Before I lay myself down to sleep…. I would just like to say that it is 4:22am…. and that there are some very crazy people in this world, lol. I think I met at least 20 of them tonight.

Also, I had a scaredy-cat moment and had to drive in reverse down a street instead of just turning around in a cul-de-sac… but it was a "The Strangers" moment.. and i just felt like being extra safe, lol.

Also, to the person who hit me up about the latest antics…. I’m sorry…see, for the past month or so there has been a lot going on. I feel like I’ve spent more time in my hometown than actually at the spot i’m paying rent each month, lol…. So I haven’t had much time to do stuff. Guess I’m kinda making up for it. Also, on a more serious note, my great grandmother isn’t doing so well. She’ll be 91 this month if the good Lord lets her see it. She raised her daughter’s six children, one of them being my mom…. and she’s been strong, God-fearing, and spunky her entire life.

My mom is taking it particularly hard because she’s always been so close to her. Its beautiful and heartbreaking all in the same breath when my granny responds to my mother’s voice and knows exactly who she is without even opening her eyes. Her voice, (my mom’s) is the only one she still recognizes without having to think about it. See, mom spent every bit of free time with granny even before the dementia set in. Even after her mind stopped working the way it used to, i’d see mom pushing her around in her wheelchair, outside for fresh air. I’ve seen my mom bathe my great grandmother with such gentle care and love….. To be in a hospital room with five… FIVE generations all together is a beautiful sight.

Granny is at home now… but she’s not herself, and we think she may never get out of that bed again. I pray that things go as God plans.. and i know they will. I know that once she leaves this earth, she will be whole again… her mind will be sharp, and heart just as big as ever. I just pray that God give my mother strength during this time… and peace about the situation. In the meantime its just another example of God’s power and mercy to see a woman live til 90…. the things she has seen… I know my family is blessed.

I was feeling a little down earlier in the week… but when I think about all that God has done, I have no choice but to be thankful. Blessed and Highly Favored… indeed.

I pray that all of you had as great a start to your weekend as I did. Stay cool in this heat.  

aww… y’all… i get to see a friend that i haven’t seen in FOREVER this weekend… I don’t know what to do with myself its been so long!!!!!!

I got a little nostalgic and went back to 1998 for no good reason with this one: Link

and i can’t stop singing it… a little known fact is that occasionally I do sing… this song will do it every.single.time.

I tweaked my dress for the wedding and i’m gonna be extra fly now… (shh!! don’t tell the bride). I was afraid to do anything, since when you’re a bridesmaid, you wanna be cooperative. Technically, we are all supposed to look alike..but i’m the maid of honor… and well… heh… lets just say they are NOT ready!   yup… i’m feelin’ myself a lil…

At the round table my friends ganged up on me and told me that they’ve never seen me dressed down. Um.. people!!!! First of all, I WAS dressed down. Second of all, if you know me, you’ve seen me in everything from slacks and heels, to timbs and jeans. Don’t try me… versatility is a must. Plus, you know you like it!!!!

My hormones are crazy today… where’s that angel smiley…  i’m a good girl. i’m a good girl. i’m a good girl. LOL I need sleep.

Please excuse the randomness of this blog. Your girl is a little sleep deprived and her friends have been taking her out every night for drinks. See, I’m not a big drinker. I’ll have one or two here and there to be festive, but this ish is getting ridiculous. I promise, I’m good.. for real. LOL.

Night friends… HAPPY FRIIIIIIIIIIDAY! *wiggles*  

p.s.

it feels good to blog more frequently… if life allows it, i’ll try to keep it up! 

I’m reminded once again of how great it is to have such wonderful friends…. Lunch with a friend early in the day… then a huge roundtable discussion over 6-liquor drinks  and appetizers had me ROLLING with laughter… and enlightened about the events of the past few days. I get it now. Ha… pure craziness my life sometimes is. My roundtable consisted of a few straight men, a few gay ones, and a few ladies… lemme just tell ya…. i gained a LOT of understanding. Later that evening, I was proposed to (too bad he’s completely and totally in love with a man)…. hehe I love my friends.. you guys give me life and love and laughter. All very special and priceless gifts.

Its 98 degrees.

This weekend is busy. I have plans to meet a very special baby… attend a shower for another very special baby… and I’m going dancing with friends. I haven’t danced in forever and somebody reminded me that its quite sexy when I decide to do it *wink*. So I’ll be doing outfit selection tomorrow, and I can’t wait to just let go and be free….

Happy Thursday to you!