"Don’t let memories of past difficulties influence current expectations. History does not repeat itself unless you let it."
-Leigh Oswald for Harpers Bazaar
really powerful quote.
we’re all so busy thinking about what hand life has dealt us, that sometimes we forget the control we have over our paths. That quote gives us… gives ME,
command,
rule,
authority,
and choice.
That’s just what I needed.
Late 2008 I found a movie that I absolutely fell in love with. It touched me on so many levels… and inspired me to make plans to travel…. the movie is about sooooooo much– more than I could cover in a blog entry, at least at this time of the night… the characters are so… open, and vulnerable… and…. emotionally wounded.
The movie looks cheesy on the outside, but it speaks to my heart. They (the characters) are each in transition, and figuring out how to handle life in the meantime.
Death, broken engagements, break-ups, and broken hearts litter the movie and its plot, and from start to finish I find some of myself in each situation, each characters life, love, and pain.
Pretty scenery and beautiful music (albeit at times, cliché) from all over the world make the film delightful, even in its predictable moments. One particular song is heard right at the height of my first favorite scene, and it always gives me goosebumps. *sigh*
No one will like this movie but me. I’m sure of it. LOL. I know others will watch it and wonder why it means so much to me. Its hard to put my feelings into words…. Something about this film makes me hopeful. I feel like anything is possible, like even what I see with my eyes…. May not be what it appears. I feel like life has pleasant surprises in store, and this is huge, because as an adult in 2009, it can be difficult to find that youthful innocence that once came so effortlessly.
Ugh, I’m doing it again.. getting carried away and not making sense. Don’t mind me, I’m just daydreaming again. Been doing that a lot lately, and it feels nice. “Legend has it, when the Santa Anas blow, anything can happen.”
drink up baby down
[Chorus:]
So, let go,let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It’s all right
‘Cause there’s beauty in the breakdown
So, let go, l-let go
Just get in
Oh, it’s so amazing here
It’s all right
‘Cause there’s beauty in the breakdown
It gains the more it gives
And then it rises with the fall
So hand me that remote
Can’t you see that all that stuff’s a sideshow?
Such boundless pleasure
We’ve no time for later
Now you can’t await
your own arrival
you’ve twenty seconds to comply
[Chorus:]
So, let go, so let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It’s alright
‘Cause there’s beauty in the breakdown
So, let go, yeah let go
Just get in
Oh, it’s so amazing here
It’s all right
‘Cause there’s beauty in the breakdown
[Background sounds]
[Chorus:]
So, let go, so let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It’s alright
‘Cause there’s beauty in the breakdown
So, let go, yeah let go
Just get in
Oh, it’s so amazing here
It’s all right
‘Cause there’s beauty in the breakdown
In the breakdown
‘Cause there’s beauty in the breakdown
The breakdown
So amazing here
‘Cause there’s beauty in the breakdown
Occasionally there are moments when I torture myself. Painfully awkward situations that remind me I have the ability to succumb to pure masochism.
These incidents occur without warning. Its quick, like an explosion, and then suddenly they’re gone, like a thief in the night. Often I find myself trying to recall what happened, and even questioning if I lived it… or dreamed it up in my head like a colorful fairytale with a not-so-happily-ever-after.
It feels much like going down a rabbit hole… Or being swept up in a whirlwind. I feel… out of control, helpless, and vulnerable. and the strangest part, is that in those minutes of lunacy, there’s a sense of liveliness that’s unmatched by any other period lived through.
It’s like being alone on a merry-go-round as a kid. You start off with both feet planted on the ground, jogging while pushing the heavy metal apparatus around as your pace increases. Before long the handle you’re gripping feels more like its pulling you, than you pushing it… which is a clear indication that its time to hop on before it out-twirls you. So you leap onto the plaything and hold on with all your might as you spin faster, and faster and faster! Your surroundings become a blur, and your head gets foggy. You move closer to the center, thinking that will be the safest place, the spot which you’d be least likely to slip and fall from. Eyes closed, knuckles pale from maintaining a grip so tight, you wait as the spinning starts to slow, and eventually stop. And as your stomach begins to settle, you start the process all over again.
I wonder why I do this to myself. Why do I insist on getting on the merry-go-round over and over again? Maybe I figure this time I’ll manage to land a spot a little closer to the center. This time I’ll hold on tighter… Maybe this time I won’t slip and fall. Or maybe I secretly love that everything besides the thoughts in my head, my dreams and daydreams, becomes nothing but a blur, a hazy wash of colors, leaving me to create my own reality… Or fantasy——you choose.
Being on that proverbial twirling piece of equipment drowns out all the stuff I have to take in consideration when I snap back to consciousness. None of your "what-ifs", or "we-cants", or "but-what-abouts", matter up there in my whirlwind. Its peace and pain all wrapped up together so well that I cannot distinguish between the two.
I toss around all of the variables hoping to find the perfect formula for success, the answer… All the while, not realizing that this plaything, was meant to do one thing.
It was meant to twirl.
Slow or fast,
many or just one…
It spins.
No matter where I get on, no matter how I grip its handles, I will always be spun around unrepentantly.
Its my choice to get on or off. I just wish I knew which held more power, the ability to spin me around in circles… or my own masochism.
Where do I get off?
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