wanted
So completely overwhelmed by emotion. Feel so full of so much… searched the depths of my mind to find just the right words to explain…no… describe, how I feel. Wanted to find the correct collection of adjectives, verbs, and nouns… ones that would paint vivid pictures in both your head and mine.
Wanted to close my eyes in a dark room with you sitting so close that I could feel your heartbeat. I’d use it’s rhythm to govern my cadence once the lump in my throat dissolved enough for me to make a sound. Wanted to tell you to close your eyes with me, and hold my hand silently, while you waited to hear what I would tell you. More than anything, I wanted you to know already what I would say before I spoke it. Wanted you to feel my energy and know what I hoped for, what I prayed for, and what I wished for. Wanted you to feel the heat coming from my palms and know my fears and worries. I wanted you to grip them harder and let me know, without words that you knew…
I’d sit there slowing my breathing and fervently calming my thoughts and gathering those words… the words that I’d still not found. Not ones which would be adequate. How could they be? Had there been any words ever created to explain this emotion that dwells inside of me? Felt like just sitting next to me, you’d be able to read my thoughts and translate them for me into a language we’d both be able to speak.
Wanted to tell you how unique you are… how special and wonderful your…just… being is. Wanted to tell you how blessed… how privileged it is to be in your presence. Felt like the sweetest thing to be close. Wanted to feel your breath on my neck while we sat, and waited. Wanted to feel safe. Wanted to feel like you wanted… no. needed, me to feel safe. Wanted to be in your arms, sitting on that couch next to you. Wanted to be there when both of us opened our eyes to darkness. I wanted you to see that I’d rather be here.. than any other place on earth. Wanted you to be my soft place to fall. Wanted you to let me be yours.
Looked towards the window and saw little shining specs against the dark sky. They looked like diamonds resting on a black velvet blanket. Closed my eyes again and searched inside myself. Searched for meaning in all of this chaos in my head. Wanted to know what to do with it. Thought about wrapping it up just as it was, and giving it to you, like a gift. Decided to sort through it first. Opened my mouth and exhaled.
Felt you shift, and knew that you realized I was ready. Ready to shed these layers of armor and let you in. wanted to be vulnerable. Wanted to tell you that things crumble around me, then there’s you. Then, there’s…. you. Wanted to be received well, warmly… passionately. Wanted to light a single candle and watch the shadow of the flame flicker across your face. I would search your eyes… looking for your thoughts… written in your pupils? Wanted to watch you, hoping you’d see me waiting to follow you… wanted you to lead me with your eyes and energy. We’d have an entire conversation without ever having said a word. Then we’d sit and wish upon one of those floating diamonds out there… and hope for the best. Wanted to tell you, that this… is what I’ve always wanted. This is where I’ve always, wanted to be.
