Living Daydream

It rained on and off all weekend. Everything around me is green and healthy. Seems that the grass and flowers did their own little version of the rain dance until God agreed. I felt soothed by the gray skies and dreary appearance of each day. It matched my mood and didn’t require much of me. Something about it made me feel all alone, even as I was surrounded by crowds of people…. and I liked it. I curled up in my little imaginary cocoon and did what I do best… I thought. I thought about all of the things I’ve been putting off for weeks. The things I knew I’d have to confront in my head before any progress would be possible. I felt like my mind wouldn’t cooperate. Felt like each time I went into that dark corner to unpack the box… the one where I was keeping that issue, and this one too…. It (my mind) would close the cardboard flaps and duct tape the top. Back to the corner it went. I couldn’t decide whether the unpacking, or the back-burner-placing was more frustrating, but I knew that something had to be done if any forward movement was in the plan.

So logic won, and there I sat in the middle of my theoretical floor, with the contents of the box laid out before me. I took out each piece and examined it. Tears and discomfort blanketed each issue and I began to wonder if I’d made the right decision. The easiest choice called out to me. I wanted to burn the box, run away and pretend it never existed. I could leave this entire room just the way it was. Maybe make it into storage space and start remodeling a new room. This time I’d start fresh. New furniture, new paint on the walls… it’d be bright and warm… and blemish free. No issues of which to speak. Sounded like a great idea… until I realized that no matter what I chose to do with the box… or the room the box was in, it would always find me. I’d have to deal with it now or then.

I’m tired. I am worn.out. And I get scared that I’m making the wrong decisions. I hate that I can have a moment where I’m so incredibly sure of what the goal is… and the steps to take to achieve the goal… and with a sudden wind, my direction is changed. The thing is, its not as much a wind as it is a blustery funnel cloud wreaking havoc on each thing it touches. How could anyone’s path not be forever changed by something with as much power as this? I want to stand on what I know… or what I feel… or what I see with my eye within. But I’m feeling like it may not be enough. I’m one person. I am not an army. And I don’t feel strong today. The truth is, I haven’t felt strong in awhile. I’m worried. I feel helpless without my intuition… it is the thing I trust most. It is my compass and even in a dark, unfamiliar setting, I can always find my way out.