Living Daydream

I know.. i’m so completely overdue for a blog.. a real one. but i have to get this out of my system.

I can’t get away from this.

You’re on the bumper sticker on the car in front of me.

I go to buy a new fragrance… one that smells completely different from anything I own, and when I get home to check reviews, i find out its strikingly similar to one that you’d love.

You’re the car that cuts me off when I’m in a rush.

You’re the song that i fall in love with… or at the very least, hear everywhere I go. When did cafe’s start playing THAT?

The neighborhood is on a billboard I have to pass when I drive home.

Everyone wants to talk about your education.

I try to exhaust my brain on the subject, hoping to get it out like air seeping out of a once full balloon…

and yet, you show up in my dreams over and over again.

what is it about you that makes you hard to forget? maybe its that i don’t truly want to forget you. i don’t want to forget the emotion attached to you. its strange… today feels like red, and tomorrow it will be yellow… there’s really no stability in emotion. its something we lack complete control over, and that in itself drives me crazy most of the time… until i realize that this is where the beauty in it lies. In my inability to control every moment of it…  fine then. laissez faire it is, and laissez faire it shall be. I’m hands off. I will let the situation develop as it will. A good friend told me to trust the process. I’ll take that advice.

It was sweet seeing your face in my dream last night. If by some odd struck of luck…. or fate, you dreamed that too…. my answer would have been, "I wish I did… and if I could go back and do it all over… i would have stayed." hmmm… your spirit felt beautiful…just as it did then. sweet dreams, indeed.

an aside: don’t assume anything.

I’ll bet you think this song is about you, don’t you? (c) Carly Simon’s You’re so vain

somebody asked me about a party I went to… and i thought about it…laughed, then sang: wackety smackety doooooooo…

i miss him, our friendship, our conversations.  

I know its been awhile… i’ve missed everybody, but i’m back. I’m going to do a general "updates, fill you in (c) Craig David blog" tomorrow… because so much has happened. But its 3:30 am and I just got in from seeing a few friends that i’ve missed so much!!!

I used to hang out with Legacy (i call him Leggy, fondly) til the sun came up years ago… we connected and became great friends… and while he doesn’t get close to a lot of people, we both knew we’d be buddies, early on. He’s funny, and smart… and you’ll never meet another guy quite like him.

Until tonight, I hadn’t seen him in MONTHS! and i’ve missed him so much!!!! He’s doing well, and i’ll see him again soon. He has a show in Greenville, North Carolina tomorrow night for anyone who might be interested. If you haven’t seen him, and you’re in the area, go check him out, he’s a rockstar.  I wish i could go, but i’ve got plans.

Anyways, we took pics… so if i get them uploaded tomorrow, i’ll post ‘em up! Yay for great friends who remind you of good times.

*smooches* everybody. I’ll be back hopefully tomorrow or at some point this weekend to catch up!  

Even as a child I would sneak away from the two pairs of eyes that seemed to be omnipresent and go write in my diary about all the happenings of the day—my dreams… my wishes… and my fears would all come to life on those pink and lavender scented pages (because yes, even back then, i was a scent freak, lol). The things that I had trouble sorting out in my head…. made perfect sense in print.

I’m finding it difficult to express myself verbally, lately… I think I doubt myself… question it 30 seconds too long before letting them (the words) escape my lips. Its almost exhausting, and when i finally speak… its nothing remotely close to what I’m really feeling. Feels inadequate.

Sometimes I think back to one of my favorite childhood movies… I remember when Bastian was reading about Atreyu fighting the nothing. Bastian had been reading along the entire time, and although there had been little hints here and there, he couldn’t wrap his mind around the fact that he had actually become part of the story. It was not until the childlike empress called out to him that he realized he could no longer deny his part in the whole ordeal. He would forever be a part of the story… and Fantasia would forever be a part of him.

I often feel like I spend so much time thinking about the stuff that I want to say…. That I need to say…. That, I’m not realizing that the story is being rewritten. We all have this blank page to fill up with whatever we choose. We can fill it with laughter and expressions of love and kindness…. Or we can fill it with pain and resentment and regret. The important thing…is just to fill it with something. Fill it…. And Feel it.

All the pondering and wise word choices in the world aren’t worth a darn thing if nothing gets written… Bastian discovered that Fantasia could be his reality, but he first had to make the choice to take an active part in the story. That makes sense to me now. Saying how you feel… what you want… what you see, smell and touch gives you material to fill the pages. Nobody ever said it had to be perfectly poetic…. Just real and honest. The rest is a Neverending Story.

I’ve been watching videos of some of my favorite R&B songs of the 90’s. I can’t even describe the feeling I get when I hear some of these songs…. I can remember so many great memories associated with each one. My high school years were wonderful. Such beautiful coming of age years. I feel blessed to have such an amazing soundtrack to put them to.

I’m going to share just a couple in case anybody is interested in reminiscing with me.

Joe: All the Things Your Man Won’t Do 

Jesse Powell: You 

Brian McKnight: Anytime 

Madonna and Babyface: Take a Bow 

Boyz II Men: Water Runs Dry 

Thats it…. just having one of those nights where I wanted to hear what rhythm and blues used to sound like. Ha… I’m getting old. Good night.  

It’s up to you to push your people to start communicating in more meaningful ways.

 This is my horoscope for today… LMAO!!!! This is so completely hilariously true for reasons that I will not explain. HA!!!

and yes… i know i’ve been blogging about horoscopes a lot lately…but its just that kinda mood right now. I’ll be back to holla tonight. I have an incredibly important oral presentation to give in about an hour.  

I walked in and spoke to a few folks… some weird girl told me I was gorgeous like 3 times, then proceeded to tie all the strings on my shirt before sniffing me. Nice, but weird, lol. I went over to say hello, he kissed my hand and said he missed me. Its been awhile, it was nice to be back in the atmosphere. A few songs later… blue eyed brown girl came over to hug me and tell me I looked nice. "You are glowing!!! Oh my GOD… you are!!! are you in love?"

not even close, lol.

She didn’t believe me. I don’t know where the glow came from to be honest. I looked a little different when I glanced at my reflection before leaving… but I don’t know why. Her conclusion scared me… juuuuust a little. The hair is still curly… I have no idea why… but somebody seems to like it. I guess I can dig it.

I got to see them again for the first time in forever… and it warmed my heart. They will never know what all of those moments meant to me. They are priceless… I will always treasure those nights at the BC… Great, genuine guys who have my back through whatever… absolutely priceless.

 what an unexpected evening all around… it was wonderful. puzzle, completed.

I had every intention of coming back to expand on my feelings from earlier. Please forgive me… but after eating about seven almonds, my tongue started to tingle, and then to itch… allergic reaction maybe? I don’t know, but to be safe, I took some benadryl… and now I feel… crazy and drunk… with a little drowsiness on the side.

So… the journal entry will have to wait until tomorrow. Have a wonderful night.  

Today was father’s day… well technically yesterday was father’s day. It was an interesting day. I think I’ve been through a million different emotions and none of them make sense to me even now. My father is my hero. There is no other man like him…. none as strong, none as wise, none as kind, and none as loving. He’s my daddy. I feel so incredibly blessed to have him in my life. Sometimes I wonder what I must have done to deserve him. Because of him I can check my car’s oil and water. I can demand that men treat me with respect. I can expect the very best of and for myself. I thank God for bringing him through his heart procedure, and I’m expecting a full recovery.

Here are pics of Mom and Dad… I don’t look much like either… and these aren’t the best pics… Mom’s got long hair, in these pics its spiral curled. Dad and I share the same nose!!!! but anyways until I take more:

 This day made me think of someone else as well. I wonder if his life is any less complex than it was when we shared a connection. Does someone else give him peace, sanity. Does his breathing slow down to a comfortable pace when he enters her realm of being? I’m not quite sure why this is happening now of all times, and I can’t say that I’m as comfortable with it as I once was. It is in my nature to analyze it… to pick it apart and inspect and dissect it until there is nothing left but exhaustion. I began to do it this weekend… but I’ve since decided to handle it differently.

I will allow myself to feel this emotion freely until it is time to feel it no longer. Years of experience have taught me that no matter what peak I reach, I will never have full control over my psyche’s desire to feel. I thought of something I wrote ages ago… I seem to revisit this piece every now and then… each time I see something different.