Living Daydream

Late 2008 I found a movie that I absolutely fell in love with. It touched me on so many levels… and inspired me to make plans to travel…. the movie is about sooooooo much– more than I could cover in a blog entry, at least at this time of the night… the characters are so… open, and vulnerable… and…. emotionally wounded.

The movie looks cheesy on the outside, but it speaks to my heart. They (the characters) are each in transition, and figuring out how to handle life in the meantime.

Death, broken engagements, break-ups, and broken hearts litter the movie and its plot, and from start to finish I find some of myself in each situation, each characters life, love, and pain.

Pretty scenery and beautiful music (albeit at times, cliché) from all over the world make the film delightful, even in its predictable moments. One particular song is heard right at the height of my first favorite scene, and it always gives me goosebumps. *sigh*

No one will like this movie but me. I’m sure of it. LOL. I know others will watch it and wonder why it means so much to me. Its hard to put my feelings into words…. Something about this film makes me hopeful. I feel like anything is possible, like even what I see with my eyes…. May not be what it appears. I feel like life has pleasant surprises in store, and this is huge, because as an adult in 2009, it can be difficult to find that youthful innocence that once came so effortlessly.

Ugh, I’m doing it again.. getting carried away and not making sense. Don’t mind me, I’m just daydreaming again. Been doing that a lot lately, and it feels nice. “Legend has it, when the Santa Anas blow, anything can happen.”

So amazing here
‘Cause there’s beauty in the breakdown

I sat by a window this afternoon and stared out. Cliché, right? I know… but I did just that. I was supposed to be working. In fact, I have a deadline to meet by tomorrow and another on Friday but my mind is all over the place and the more I tried to pull my thoughts in, the more they ran free.

I watched this one single leaf that lie in the parking lot. There was just that one leaf, and because there are no trees near this particular section of the lot, I begin to wonder how it got there and why just this one, exact leaf.  Now, at this moment, while I’m recalling my thoughts of the day, I realize how silly this must all sound. I mean, after all, who cares about a single leaf, right? I guess with all that’s been on my brain lately, little things become…. captivating. So… I sat, and stared… at this one leaf (we’ll call him….Humphrey) all by it’s lonesome on the pavement. All of a sudden, what I can only imagine must have been a light breeze, lifted  Humphrey up into the air and carried him about 20 feet to the north of where he originally rested. I assumed that would be his new home for at least a few moments, but before I could form that thought in its entirety, he was airborne was again. This time Humphrey floated much further away. I kept my eye on him until he traveled so far that I could no longer make out even his outline.

I wonder where he was going. Even more than that, where did he come from? Had he been a drifter most of his life? Maybe never settling in one place for too long, before eyeing greener pastures and quickly hurrying off to satisfy his curiosity? Maybe Humphrey was a new comer in town. Perhaps he’d just hitched a ride on top of someone’s car and hopped off to take a look at the city. Or… maybe he was on the run from some dreaded incident that happened at his old place and now he was searching for fresh ground to start over. Would he be happy here? Would Humphrey make new friends easily and start going out to local watering holes after work? Maybe he would take up a knitting class and meet someone who would become his best friend and stand as best man in his wedding in the years to come. He was all alone on that little corner of the lot; did Humphrey have a family? Were his mom and dad at home sitting by the fireplace wishing their oldest son well in his travels? Did Humphrey kiss his baby sister good bye after packing his bags and preparing for his trip? I wonder if he was close to his grandma.  Maybe she had given him words of advice before he left home. Grandma might have packed her little Humphrey a meal with home baked cookies and some of her famous cornbread everyone in their neighborhood raved about.  What would be in his future? Would he meet a lovely lady friend and develop a relationship that would eventually turn into a life long romance? Maybe Humphrey would get a dog, and a hamster so that he could teach his children responsibility.

By the time I looked away from the window, I realized that almost 18 minutes had passed. I had sat, staring out of this window and daydreaming about a leaf, which I had somehow manage to personify and name: Humphrey. I had to shake my head at myself and chuckle. I guess my blog’s name was more than just a title, after all.

To anyone else this must appear to be exactly what it states. I, on the other hand, realized long ago that my mind works in a rather different way. When we dream at night, our mind take symbols, images, and emotions of that day, sometimes days past, and juggles them much like a clown in Barnum and Bailey’s. Those of us who care to unlock the meaning behind these circus acts, attempt to put the pieces together and possibly learn the lesson our unconscious begs to teach.

I have somehow developed the ability to do this while wide awake. My mind takes simple scenarios and turns them into stories… but these are ones of reality, not fiction. I know who Humphrey is.  I wonder about his past and what he runs from.  I think about how one’s past affects their present and future. Its amazing to me… I love kids, but my favorites are newborns. I’ve been told how “maternal” I appear when I’m holding these little sleeping babies. I believe there are many reasons why this is so, but one of the biggest is something that most would never figure. I hold babies and look at their little hands, little noses, and I wonder what type of adult they will be. I think about what experiences they will have in their lives and how it will affect the relationships they form. Isn’t it mind blowing that every little thing we do with children has an impact on who they will become as adults? A drifter, a loner, a lover, a friend, a homeowner, a parent, a depressive…. I spend so much time wondering why people are who they are. What did they see and hear in their past? Who hurt or loved them? What would their dreams reveal about their true hopes and desires?

Sometimes, we’re lucky enough to meet those who want to share their stories, let you in on who they have been, are, and will be. Others, find solace in keeping their journeys undisclosed. For the latter, I continue to stare out of the window…. During my work day… wondering where they’re going…

I think the core of me, wishes they’d settle here…. In the safest place on earth.  Surrounded by the warm embers I feel each time I look inside myself. Guess that’s just cliché, though…huh?

Its 4am and I was supposed to be asleep hours ago… but i got caught up with music. It does that to me sometimes. I was on the net just checking on stuff… doing my usual routine with emails for work and personal, you know how it goes…. and I had a headache—which I’m guessing came from the crazy weekend with less than sufficient sleep.

But I put on some music… and it just… mmmmmm…. lemme see if I can put it into words….

Have you ever just had a night where you were just feeling yourself? Like… you felt extra fly…. sexy… sensual… and just… mmm… just good n great? I put this on and it just…. turned me on… but not in a super sexy way… it was sensual… warm…. golden…. I just chilled and did some thinking… sung the little rifts he does at the end. It just took me away.

I planned vacations in my head… saw blue water…. pretty sunsets… I saw me on plush couches… driving through the streets with the sunroof open… I felt wind blowing through my hair… and steam from a hot shower making my skin moist.

I dunno… something about this song just puts me in the best mood. I took a long hot shower….stayed in til i felt little beads of sweat form on my brow… put my head under the stream and just stood there. I got out and rubbed body butter on every inch of skin… slowly, til my hands glided over every curve, the skin glistened…. smelled like oranges and vanilla got together for an orgy on my body and teased my nose til it gave in to join the party….

 mmmm… this song…this SONG, y’all. I wonder if he knew it would have this effect the very first time he laid it down in the booth. I wonder if he pictured women…. and men…. with closed eyes… locked in an embrace laced with passion… Did he know it would take my mind off to the deepest abyss of comfort and peace—- that moment when his lips were inches away from the mic? Mawell crooning in the background makes me smile…. makes me dream…. makes me….. surrender.

I walked around outside last night. It wasn’t on purpose, at first…. but I stepped outside, and after an eighty degree day, the temperature had dropped to about sixty… the sun had gone down and there was a breeze that felt so….. good. Made me think about all the stuff that makes me feel good…

days like that one… cool with a breeze that makes me shiver.

freshly washed blankets that smell like detergent and fabric softner.

laughter. real, laughter.

soft touches… light rubs on the arm…

cuddles

nice smells

go-go and dancehall when i’m feeling free…

*sigh* I could go on and on… beautiful moments make life worth living… you should have one with me… 

Honey colored softness…. amber hued warmth… radiates from head to toe… balmy covered tawny glow… envelops everything it touches….

plush

bronzed

melodious 

and beautiful. Beautiful. 

Even as a child I would sneak away from the two pairs of eyes that seemed to be omnipresent and go write in my diary about all the happenings of the day—my dreams… my wishes… and my fears would all come to life on those pink and lavender scented pages (because yes, even back then, i was a scent freak, lol). The things that I had trouble sorting out in my head…. made perfect sense in print.

I’m finding it difficult to express myself verbally, lately… I think I doubt myself… question it 30 seconds too long before letting them (the words) escape my lips. Its almost exhausting, and when i finally speak… its nothing remotely close to what I’m really feeling. Feels inadequate.

Sometimes I think back to one of my favorite childhood movies… I remember when Bastian was reading about Atreyu fighting the nothing. Bastian had been reading along the entire time, and although there had been little hints here and there, he couldn’t wrap his mind around the fact that he had actually become part of the story. It was not until the childlike empress called out to him that he realized he could no longer deny his part in the whole ordeal. He would forever be a part of the story… and Fantasia would forever be a part of him.

I often feel like I spend so much time thinking about the stuff that I want to say…. That I need to say…. That, I’m not realizing that the story is being rewritten. We all have this blank page to fill up with whatever we choose. We can fill it with laughter and expressions of love and kindness…. Or we can fill it with pain and resentment and regret. The important thing…is just to fill it with something. Fill it…. And Feel it.

All the pondering and wise word choices in the world aren’t worth a darn thing if nothing gets written… Bastian discovered that Fantasia could be his reality, but he first had to make the choice to take an active part in the story. That makes sense to me now. Saying how you feel… what you want… what you see, smell and touch gives you material to fill the pages. Nobody ever said it had to be perfectly poetic…. Just real and honest. The rest is a Neverending Story.

Soft giggles in response to light tickles elicit amorous kisses and frenzied touches
i’ll daydream of you… and me…
me with you… you with me… and then….
i’ll return to reality.