Living Daydream

I can’t believe I’ve neglected my blog for so long. Life has been happening all around me.. so while there’s much to tell, tonight is not the night to start.

I wanted to come and say that today was my birthday. I feel truly blessed to have made it to another year. My birthday celebration actually started last weekend. I’ll spare you the details, but I had a blast. Saw family and friends… hung out way too late… and let my hair down. Good times.

My day was spent receiving gifts… warm phone calls… hugs….cards.. and texts. I’m so very thankful for each and every one of them. I want to say something about birthdays. One of my best friends told me tonight that every.single.birthday… is significant. He’s very right about that. I don’t usually make a big deal out of MY birthday… i get joy from celebrating everybody else’s… so I never really have big expectations for them…but I got a phone call tonight which lasted for almost 3 hours. My mood wasn’t the greatest… and my friend made me laugh for the entire 3 hours. He alone, gave me the best gift of all. See, we live in this world where folks text and email so much, that actually hearing a voice over the telephone is rare. I have to admit that getting an actual call on my birthday feels so much more authentic than a text or email. The next birthday a friend of yours has, make the effort to CALL them. Take the moment out of your day, and pick up the phone… it really changed my mood. It also made me think of the people in my life who I try to make feel special on their day….. that I didn’t hear from at all. Thankfully, there weren’t many.. but I will admit that I was affected. I don’t need gifts or cards. Those things are nice, but not required. Just knowing that you thought of me would suffice…

I’m in a really strange space, emotionally, at the moment. Nothing is wrong… in fact, things are really quite nice. I went through a bit of a move, and i’m nurturing some great relationships. I can’t complain about any of that….but sometimes I take inventory of my life, and the connections I have with people. I tend to give most the benefit of the doubt, but its tough to do that when you can clearly see where you land on their priority list. I think its time to reorganize my own.

In the meantime, another beautiful birthday has passed, leaving me with my life, health and strength… and beautiful loved ones. I’m going to dedicate this entry to my best friend. The guy who spent all of that time on the phone with me tonight, even after having a bad day himself… thank you for reading those "inspirational quotes" to me!! haha. i love you so much… but you already know that. here’s hoping that we both find that balance we’re seeking.and p.s. you know i got you on the bail money if you pull an OJ runaway scene!!! hehe.

Happy Birthday, indeed. *blows out candles*

feeling good n great!

this weekend was nice. a friend of mine is moving to denver, co… and we’re all going to miss him somethin’ terrible. we’ve been hanging out the last half of the week and its been crazy. so far its been bowling, club, bars, and drinks at home, lol. I have pics, so… hopefully i’ll get those uploaded sometime soon.

things are good… complex… hot (these temps are crazy!)…. and good. LOL 

i keep promising real blog entries.. im gonna make good on my word, y’all!!!

i wanna leave with this one little piece of advice, though. when you find good people, when you connect with someone that shows their character, and proves to be exactly who you think they are… hold on to ‘em. really… its rare to find folks that you can count on, and trust. I’m thanking God for the friendships I have… the real ones. I’ve found that some of the people i’ve had in my life for years and years have turned out to be snakes in the grass… and then, here come the new ones… ive known for a year or two… maybe even a few months, and I couldn’t imagine life without ever having known them. I heart you guys!!!!

I know.. i’m so completely overdue for a blog.. a real one. but i have to get this out of my system.

I can’t get away from this.

You’re on the bumper sticker on the car in front of me.

I go to buy a new fragrance… one that smells completely different from anything I own, and when I get home to check reviews, i find out its strikingly similar to one that you’d love.

You’re the car that cuts me off when I’m in a rush.

You’re the song that i fall in love with… or at the very least, hear everywhere I go. When did cafe’s start playing THAT?

The neighborhood is on a billboard I have to pass when I drive home.

Everyone wants to talk about your education.

I try to exhaust my brain on the subject, hoping to get it out like air seeping out of a once full balloon…

and yet, you show up in my dreams over and over again.

what is it about you that makes you hard to forget? maybe its that i don’t truly want to forget you. i don’t want to forget the emotion attached to you. its strange… today feels like red, and tomorrow it will be yellow… there’s really no stability in emotion. its something we lack complete control over, and that in itself drives me crazy most of the time… until i realize that this is where the beauty in it lies. In my inability to control every moment of it…  fine then. laissez faire it is, and laissez faire it shall be. I’m hands off. I will let the situation develop as it will. A good friend told me to trust the process. I’ll take that advice.

It was sweet seeing your face in my dream last night. If by some odd struck of luck…. or fate, you dreamed that too…. my answer would have been, "I wish I did… and if I could go back and do it all over… i would have stayed." hmmm… your spirit felt beautiful…just as it did then. sweet dreams, indeed.

an aside: don’t assume anything.

I’ll bet you think this song is about you, don’t you? (c) Carly Simon’s You’re so vain

somebody asked me about a party I went to… and i thought about it…laughed, then sang: wackety smackety doooooooo…

i miss him, our friendship, our conversations.  

A friend wrote a blog that had me thinking for awhile… I really wanna post the ENTIRE thing… but he might try to beat me up if i do, lol… so here are a few snippets: 

"any love you hold inside, let me see ‘cause it won’t mean a thing when I leave,"

spending major time with minor people will cause you, yourself to become a minor person.
 

I’m reminded once again of how great it is to have such wonderful friends…. Lunch with a friend early in the day… then a huge roundtable discussion over 6-liquor drinks  and appetizers had me ROLLING with laughter… and enlightened about the events of the past few days. I get it now. Ha… pure craziness my life sometimes is. My roundtable consisted of a few straight men, a few gay ones, and a few ladies… lemme just tell ya…. i gained a LOT of understanding. Later that evening, I was proposed to (too bad he’s completely and totally in love with a man)…. hehe I love my friends.. you guys give me life and love and laughter. All very special and priceless gifts.

Its 98 degrees.

This weekend is busy. I have plans to meet a very special baby… attend a shower for another very special baby… and I’m going dancing with friends. I haven’t danced in forever and somebody reminded me that its quite sexy when I decide to do it *wink*. So I’ll be doing outfit selection tomorrow, and I can’t wait to just let go and be free….

Happy Thursday to you!  

Okay so a lot has happened… mostly little stuff… but right now, its about 3:30 am… and i’ve been up all day on 3 hours of sleep. THREE! I got up and went to class, and drove home to my parents (which took 4 hours) for the Thanksgiving holiday… proceeded to run errands for them… then.. i did my hair… y’all.. when i tell you this was a freakin, 5 hour ordeal.. omg…

I tried an ACV rinse for the first time… acv is short for Apple Cider Vinegar… okay. um.. so it has all these great wonderful qualities.. its great for hair, and skin.. (so y’all give it a try if you’re brave enough!) I’m going to try it on my skin next… but anyways… i put it in a spray bottle with water, and wet my hair with it. I bet you wanna know how that went huh?

AWFUL! Okay… the result are great because it works as a clarifier… BUT the SMELL was enough to make me wanna vommit. I mean… it smelled like really bad foot odor… i mean.. wooooooooooow. You’re supposed to leave it on for awhile, but i just couldn’t get over the possibility of my hair smelling like FEET! You guys KNOW how big of a scent person I am!!! So I immediately washed it out, then went on to shampoo and condition my hair. THEN, i did a hot oil treatment which involved jojoba oil, and my bonnet dryer. I walked around forever after that with a towel on my head. Its amazing how my parents just ignore all the craziness I bring to their household, lol. My dad wouldn’t smell my hair! (*sidenote: you don’t know this about me.. but freshly washed hair is so heavenly to me… that i just wanna make everybody come smell it… so i stick my locks in everybody’s face ). My dad thought it was going to smell like the acv.. but to his surprise… It smelled like peppermint and lavendar!!! YAY!!!

So i twisted it… and chilled… helped my mom bake her famous carrot cake.. and that was all she wrote! It was a successful evening so na nana boo boo!   Thats for everybody who doubted my multitasking skills! Ha!

But anyways… I miss y’all. I know i need to get back to regular blogging. I really need to get back to my poetry, and more serious stuff… I have a lot to say.. things have been good over all though. The family is good, school is stressful, but going well.. and i’m still working my booty off in the gym. The last few months have taught me a lot… A good friend (i see you Teeeeeee Jaaaaaaaay) once told me that you have to know when to withdraw your spirit from people… and that not everyone deserves you… She couldn’t have been more  right. I had a wonderful convo with someone very special who completely lifted my spirits.

Its amazing how often, even though you know yourself… you can still be surprised at the way you react to certain events in your life… I met someone… and the person is absolutely wonderful. I don’t want to go into too much detail, because there is no need. This individual has taken me by surprise… and i’m just happy to have them in my life. Its fun… and its new… and it makes me blush! Imagine that.. a black girl blushing… but i do… and i glow at the thought of them… the person is just a friend… and that’s fine. But I’m loving the new friendship… I get emails in the mornings… calls on lunch hours… and laughs in the evenings… and I AM LOVING IT! I tried to figure it out… tried to wonder about what it all meant… what category to file it under… and ive bugged a few friends about it as well…. but today i realized something. There’s no need. Why does it need a category at all? While I’m trying to figure out my next move, I realized that none was needed. A few things came to mind: 1st: How do you make God laugh? Tell him your plans. 2nd: If you find yourself in a place and you don’t know what to do… do nothing.

I’m content… no i’m more than content.. I’m thrilled.. and how ironic is it that one situation is resolved… and another begins…. right on time. Hmm.. I have another one of those horoscopes to share with you.. but before I do, I want to say this. I have talked to a few friends over the last couple of days, and a lot of people are feeling like they’re in limbo. Many of my friends are all wondering the same sorts of things that i’ve been wondering… all those questions about the future, about the present.. and heck, even about the past and what it all means. We all want to know what to do in this moment in order to advance to the next. Well I’ve figured it out. You do nothing. Don’t misinterpret what I’m saying. Continue to push forward. Work hard… all those dreams you have, all that time you’ve invested in whatever it is that you do… continue to do that. You give your all.. but in those moments when nothing makes sense..and you find yourself about to pull out every strand of hair you have because you can’t see thru that fog you’re in… pray on it… be specific… and then take your hands off. Because what i am 100% sure of at this moment, is that everything is working together for YOUR good. It WILL happen. Things don’t always happen the way we think they should.. and sometimes it feels hopeless… but I have to remind myself (and trust, you will have to remind ME of this as well) that while this situation is falling apart… another one is being put together… its like the domino effect. That one right there, has to fall in order to put this one here in its place. I feel blessed…. I’m happy…. and my new friend.. just sent me more music.. because they thought of me when they heard it and wanted to know if I liked it… I’m just loving it, y’all. all of it… When someone loses you.. its not a loss you have to deal with. It is THEIR loss. Remember that… its always theirs…

Okay, so i’ve been rambling enough. Lemme share my horoscope for today:  You’ve been noticing magnetic energy from two very different people. Choose one.

I think its time to choose. I’m choosing to let go of whats already gone… and to open myself up to the new possibilities. Its funny how I never really saw them before..and now.. here they are. The world is our oyster… lets go get it!!!!

I will be blogging the next few days, hopefully.. but just in case I get caught up in the holiday hoop-la… I wanna wish you all a very special Thanksgiving. I am truly thankful for each and every one of you. You all bring something special to my life. God is good… *sigh* *kisses for all of you!* 

I was having a good day… It was a little hectic, had to get stuff together very last minute for a presentation… so that had me feeling a little frantic… but I got it, and my presentation was fabulous, so mission accomplished…

Came home and watched a bit of tv… The Hills, Girlfriends, and The Game to be exact… then Sabe had me watch a guy have a colonoscopy on Oprah… I surfed the net for awhile…  then I got to talk to my friend T!!!!!!!!!!! She encouraged me to be more open on here… and I thank her for it..’cause I have a LOT to get off of my chest. It will take me awhile.. but my next few entries should be very honest and candid.

I miss my friend. I miss him so much. We had a bond like no other. It wasn’t sexual.. it wasn’t romantic… it was just… different, and special.. and I love him a lot. I don’t understand how somebody can be so close to you, then just walk away… I haven’t done anything to deserve this… he blames me for something that is just not so… I won’t go into the details of the whole thing… ‘cause I just don’t want to get emotional tonight.. but the gist of it, involves him not believing me as loyal… which could not be further from the truth. There was only one place I wanted to be… and that was where I was!!!!

I just don’t understand it… and I almost feel heartbroken… I’m not used to having friends walk away from me without a valid reason. I miss him. Tee tells me to let it go… to walk away… and that might be what I have to do… but where did the friendship go?? Eff the business side.. what about the FRIENDSHIP!?? We’ve seen each other thru some mess… when my dad was sick, i burst into tears with him on the phone.. nobody else.. just him.. it let me know that i felt truly comfortable with him… and the thought of it all just being done… is just…

I met a guy last night who asked for my number after making himself at home in MY booth during MY dinner…. we talked for about an hour and a half… and he told me that I didn’t feel "open" to him. Tee says I’ve become a cynic.. and they’re both right. I’m having a problem just understanding how people work… I’m going to school to do just that… I get told weekly that I have a gift for talking to people, and understanding them… and yet, I feel kinda lost at the moment. Osama tried to holla at me at the gas station.. even over the loud speaker.. If you’d like to know what happened, just ask me.. its a funny story.

The point is, I think somewhere down the line, I cut off my radar. I can’t read people. I don’t know what to expect, what to believe, heck, not even what to think. I think some of the experiences that I’ve had in the past make this all so. I thought this was a good thing… took my mind off of the b.s. guys that tried to holla. Ive been able to focus on me, and all the stuff I need to handle… school’s going well.. work is.. well.. its work… im hitting up the gym daily… my hair is thick and fuzzy, lol.. the fam is good. Things have been good.. but I think I’ve been distancing myself from some of the things that are also important. I’ve been ignoring parts of life that are the most worth living… maybe in the name of fear.

I’m afraid to get hurt again.. .I’m afraid to be lied to… I’m afraid a friend I love will decide they hate my guts for no reason.. I’m afraid I’ll give my all to someone and have them take advantage and break my heart. I’m AFRAID. There, I said it. I don’t wear it on my sleeve… To most it comes off as pessimism, or indifference.. but the truth is just that my heart has been through so much, I just wonder what the maximum mileage is on this thing, before it forgets how to work, ya know?

I don’t have a solution right now. But writing this tonight has help me put to bed some of the anger I was feeling when I started. I’m going to go to bed.. and pray about sending the email I’ve already typed. The wonderful thing about this whole situation, is that in a few days, I will be in the best place on earth… blessed with a wonderful surprise. I’m thankful for the friends that I do have…

G’night…  

Tears:

Your growing self worth comes from deep within you. Don’t attribute it to others.

That was my horoscope for today.

At the moment I am furious. My friends are really pissing me off. One in particular is acting a fool… She is petty, immature, and vindictive… and to be honest, I’m just wondering about where the friendship is going. I haven’t questioned it in this way in a very long time, but lately I feel like I need to do emotional inventory. There is so much going on in my life… and I feel like there is only space for the people who need/want to be here. The rest can figure it out later.

I believe that the people you keep around you significantly influence you and your life and even your spirit. Its the reason why if you start to date someone who isn’t good for you, you may end up feeling broken, or hopeless… I think we need to be careful with the people who we love and let close. I haven’t spoken to one of my friends in over a month. We used to talk/email/im/see each other almost daily… and now things are strained. I want nothing more than to repair the relationship..but I feel like thats something that God and time will have to take care of. With the friendship I referenced earlier, I feel like…. its been in the making for awhile… we are so different.. and sometimes I don’t know where her loyalty lies… I feel like she has different sides, and you never know which you’re going to get. She’s also very moody…w hich is something i’ve never been able to deal with effectively. I spoke to my mom about it… she instructed me to pray… So I did. I’m going to leave the whole thing alone for now… continue to pray.. and live my life. Other than that… I’m all out of ideas.

I feel like I work hard to be a good person. I treat people well… and I’m considerate. I don’t understand why that seems to be so hard for others to do. I also don’t understand why I seem to be being penalized for things I simply didn’t do. I’m angry at this moment.. which just makes me even more mad, because that means she won. I let her get to me….

I’m going to pray, and take a nap…. and when I wake up, I will be in a better mood… because life just can’t  be this hard all the time. I deserve a break… and something good happening to me… I know I do… so yes. This will all be better in an hour. *sigh*

I have some wonderful friends. Tonight was rough for me. I’m dealing with a few things that I haven’t disclosed to some. I’m worried about my mom and dad… and I’m in prayer about my uncle. I have a friend who made me laugh.. brought a smile to my face… and took my mind off of everything, if even for a few brief moments.

People don’t always know how special they are… they don’t know how appreciated they are. We should really tell people how we feel.. because life is much too short.. and these moments, precious as they are, get away, often before we have time to reflect on them. So I’m taking this time to reflect. I know how blessed I am. Even in my confusion, anger, sadness, and exhaustion… I KNOW how blessed I am. I am incredibly thankful for my friends.

Thank you JWM. You know I love you!!!