Living Daydream

May 18, 2009

wanted

Filed under: Love and Relationships, unadulterated emotion

So completely overwhelmed by emotion. Feel so full of so much… searched the depths of my mind to find just the right words to explain…no… describe, how I feel. Wanted to find the correct collection of adjectives, verbs, and nouns… ones that would paint vivid pictures in both your head and mine.

Wanted to close my eyes in a dark room with you sitting so close that I could feel your heartbeat. I’d use it’s rhythm to govern my cadence once the lump in my throat dissolved enough for me to make a sound. Wanted to tell you to close your eyes with me, and hold my hand silently, while you waited to hear what I would tell you. More than anything, I wanted you to know already what I would say before I spoke it. Wanted you to feel my energy and know what I hoped for, what I prayed for, and what I wished for. Wanted you to feel the heat coming from my palms and know my fears and worries. I wanted you to grip them harder and let me know, without words that you knew…

I’d sit there slowing my breathing and fervently calming my thoughts and gathering those words… the words that I’d still not found. Not ones which would be adequate. How could they be? Had there been any words ever created to explain this emotion that dwells inside of me? Felt like just sitting next to me, you’d be able to read my thoughts and translate them for me into a language we’d both be able to speak.

Wanted to tell you how unique you are… how special and wonderful your…just… being is. Wanted to tell you how blessed… how privileged it is to be in your presence. Felt like the sweetest thing to be close. Wanted to feel your breath on my neck while we sat, and waited. Wanted to feel safe. Wanted to feel like you wanted… no. needed, me to feel safe. Wanted to be in your arms, sitting on that couch next to you. Wanted to be there when both of us opened our eyes to darkness. I wanted you to see that I’d rather be here.. than any other place on earth. Wanted you to be my soft place to fall. Wanted you to let me be yours.

Looked towards the window and saw little shining specs against the dark sky. They looked like diamonds resting on a black velvet blanket. Closed my eyes again and searched inside myself. Searched for meaning in all of this chaos in my head. Wanted to know what to do with it. Thought about wrapping it up just as it was, and giving it to you, like a gift. Decided to sort through it first. Opened my mouth and exhaled.

Felt you shift, and knew that you realized I was ready. Ready to shed these layers of armor and let you in. wanted to be vulnerable. Wanted to tell you that things crumble around me, then there’s you. Then, there’s…. you. Wanted to be received well, warmly… passionately. Wanted to light a single candle and watch the shadow of the flame flicker across your face. I would search your eyes… looking for your thoughts… written in your pupils? Wanted to watch you, hoping you’d see me waiting to follow you… wanted you to lead me with your eyes and energy. We’d have an entire conversation without ever having said a word. Then we’d sit and wish upon one of those floating diamonds out there… and hope for the best. Wanted to tell you, that this… is what I’ve always wanted. This is where I’ve always, wanted to be.

August 21, 2008

its actually really simple

Filed under: Love and Relationships

Love doesn’t walk away.

People do.

Inspired by a brief conversation with a friend. 

August 5, 2008

love on the brain

Filed under: Love and Relationships

yeah… its been on my mind quite a bit, lately.

I’m not sure why… but i’ve been thinking about it… what it means, what it feels like… the warmth, the hurts… *sigh* its so…. massive.

Love is friendship on fire. 

I really like that quote. Isn’t that what it is? I mean… if you’ve ever been in love, or in really deep like and the two of you go your separate ways… aren’t you like… "I miss my friend!!!!!" ???

Its in those moments that you miss it the most. Sometimes, something will happen, and you know that only one person will understand why the incident is so funny… or… you remember something that was said and it makes you smile. You stop and realize how much of a friend they were… and it makes it easy to understand why the above quote is so powerful. Friendship on fire… yeah… that’s definitely what it feels like. Sounds like a relationship like that…. could last forever, doesn’t it?

anyways.. just more of my random thoughts. 

 

August 1, 2008

you’re so vain

Filed under: Memories, Love and Relationships, Friendship

I know.. i’m so completely overdue for a blog.. a real one. but i have to get this out of my system.

 

I can’t get away from this.

You’re on the bumper sticker on the car in front of me.

I go to buy a new fragrance… one that smells completely different from anything I own, and when I get home to check reviews, i find out its strikingly similar to one that you’d love.

You’re the car that cuts me off when I’m in a rush.

You’re the song that i fall in love with… or at the very least, hear everywhere I go. When did cafe’s start playing THAT?

The neighborhood is on a billboard I have to pass when I drive home.

Everyone wants to talk about your education.

I try to exhaust my brain on the subject, hoping to get it out like air seeping out of a once full balloon…

and yet, you show up in my dreams over and over again.

what is it about you that makes you hard to forget? maybe its that i don’t truly want to forget you. i don’t want to forget the emotion attached to you. its strange… today feels like red, and tomorrow it will be yellow… there’s really no stability in emotion. its something we lack complete control over, and that in itself drives me crazy most of the time… until i realize that this is where the beauty in it lies. In my inability to control every moment of it…  fine then. laissez faire it is, and laissez faire it shall be. I’m hands off. I will let the situation develop as it will. A good friend told me to trust the process. I’ll take that advice.

It was sweet seeing your face in my dream last night. If by some odd struck of luck…. or fate, you dreamed that too…. my answer would have been, "I wish I did… and if I could go back and do it all over… i would have stayed." hmmm… your spirit felt beautiful…just as it did then. sweet dreams, indeed.

an aside: don’t assume anything.

I’ll bet you think this song is about you, don’t you? (c) Carly Simon’s You’re so vain

 

 

July 19, 2008

had a thought

Filed under: Memories, Love and Relationships, Friendship

somebody asked me about a party I went to… and i thought about it…laughed, then sang: wackety smackety doooooooo… emoticon

i miss him, our friendship, our conversations.  

June 21, 2008

spam folder

Filed under: Love and Relationships, unadulterated emotion

I came here because I had a very specific feeling.
It woke me up out of my sleep and although we did battle, it won. Despite my efforts, it is still there. Its here, and I thought writing about it would help… But I worry that this time, it may only heighten the experience… Make more vivid the images, and make more persistent, these thoughts.

How revealing would it be if I laid them all out…right here, for all to see?
She said that your sub conscience becomes your reality. You look, so therefore you find. Makes sense to me now.

Are you skipping through meadows?
Are you calm and cucumber cool?
Did you find a different corner of your brain to file it in?

 I imagine it works much like my spam folder— blocking unwanted thoughts, memories and feelings, making it possible to dispose of them without ever having to confront their actuality.

Yes…how convenient that must be. My brain, on the other hand is much more like those new houses they’re building now… You know the ones with the open floor plans with the rooms around the edges. Makes it harder to file things away without them surfacing sooner rather than later.
 I do not wish for a different floor plan. No. This one assures me of my humanity… my reality… It makes dealing with it—mandatory. Sometimes aches are pleasurable.

So while I want to talk about that feeling which jolted me out of my sleep… I won’t tonight. I do wonder if your grass is greener, though. After all, the season just changed…and its summer now.

June 4, 2008

just wanted to get the thoughts out of my head

Filed under: Love and Relationships, unadulterated emotion

I keep trying to figure out how to get these thoughts out of my head without going about it in the wrong way… and I have yet to come up with the answer…. So I’m back… to spill my guts here… in a safe space… my space.

I keep wondering where I went wrong…mainly because it just doesn’t make sense to me. I wanna scream that the day was hectic…. The environment was new… and the occasion was huge…. There was so much going on… and I loved it… all of it. It made me wanna go back to experience it all over again, but without the craziness.  I have been told that I can go into “dr. kris” mode…. Analyzing every detail until it consists of nothing….. and I didn’t want to do that. Not on this day. No…. I would enjoy it all. I would watch him interact with the people who are important to him… I would take it all in… every bit of it… from his cologne…. To the way his eyes move when he’s emphasizing a point…. I’d notice the difference in his laugh when its unrestrained from the little chuckle that sometimes escapes when the topic is only mildly funny. I stole her camera when he took the floor to do the electric slide….. and wondered if he laughed as hard as I did when the music first came on, since we’d just declared that the black American staple would NOT be played here….

I wanted to be in the moment. I wanted to just…exist for once… the scenery was beautiful… love between the bride and groom was present… and I felt… light… and free…. And happy.  Most of all, it had been months… MONTHS since I’d last laid eyes on him… and I missed it. I missed hanging out. I still miss it now. There are things that happen when you get close to someone… some of it is out of your control because that is just the nature of relationships—all relationships…. But I’ll get back to that later. I can’t help feeling like I’ve been dismissed… based on one awkward (but not really awkward…) moment in time.  Wouldn’t you want to explore it? All that a person is…. isn’t revealed in a moment. It never works that way. I keep thinking of all the things about me he doesn’t know… all the little things…  will he ever know that I like to be cold when I’m asleep…. Or that i looked forward to visiting again only to sit on his couch to talk… and connect?  Does he know that the hug at the end of the night felt so good that It made me want to stand there like that all night? What about the fact that the girls and I went to see the new Sex and the City movie the other night and i smelled something familiar…. i leaned over to ask the guy sitting to my left what he was wearing. "Angel by Thierry Mugler," he said. It made me smile for the rest of the evening. Does he know that???  No… he doesn’t know any of it… and because I have a feeling he won’t read this…. He may never know.

I can make a million excuses…. I can say that I was coming down with a cold (still recovering now)… dealing with allergies… that I was tired…  and even, that I was working very hard to remain in the moment as to not rock the boat….but I don’t want to do that.  What I want, is to know that the countless conversations we’ve had… the chemistry that ( I thought) we had in person the other (very few) instances we’ve hung out…. wasn’t just thrown out of the window for the reason that was given. I know I’m worth that… it’s a little tough at the moment… because things seem so…..surreal. just days ago I was ready to suggest that we hang out again. I had a great idea that I thought would bring a smile to his face… i wanna say, "but looooook at how much fun we could have!!!"….. but with one conversation…. With one revelation… his…. Its been shut down.

I respect it. All of it. After all, is there any other choice? We’re both adults, more than capable of deciding what we want… so yes, I respect it. I just can’t seem to keep my jaw off the ground…. I was all set to just go with the flow… see where things were going to take us…. Who needs a ceiling for that? Yes… YES.. its scary… hell its terrifying. We can’t see the future, and sometimes you sit and think about something that happened and you get no answer. Things are fuzzy in spots… you feel things you never thought you could… but that’s the beauty of it all. It just reminds us that we aren’t the captain of the ship. Sometimes you have to drift…. And know that the trip isn’t aimless just because YOU don’t know the destination. Putting a ceiling on it feels like assuming the role that isn’t meant for me. But I digress.

Yup… keep wondering where I went wrong…. Mainly because I don’t believe I went wrong at all. I am human. And it was a day. A DAY. Guess its just a puzzle that I won’t ever figure out… but I’m sure of one thing. I’m worth the risk. More, than worth the risk…. Its not sky diving… it’s a relationship. I’d be lying if I said fear wasn’t involved… I was scared too…. But its temporary…. Just gotta get thru the wrapping to get to the good stuff.

Enough reflecting… I respect the decision… ceiling it is. Can’t say i’m not sad about it though. 

just speaking on it… smile for me today…. i’ll be able to do the same… tomorrow.  

April 28, 2008

chances… and great things

Filed under: Love and Relationships, Life in general

Life is about taking chances. Attempting to live life without ever taking a chance is completely…. senseless. It yields no profit
no achievement.
no joy.

I’m certain no one comes to read my blog for advice. Its mainly just a space I use to free my mind (c) EnVogue.  However if someone happens upon this little area, and their eyes are opened… well hey….

Remember being in first grade and sitting with your class in a circle on the floor? The teacher would ask everybody what they wanted to be when they grew up. All sorts of aspirations would be yelled out: "fireman!" "doctor!" "police officer!" "veterinarian!" "movie star!"
Ahhh… such possibility… no goals seemed unreachable. There was never a thought about life issues getting in the way and reality setting in. Real…. was recess and chalkboards. Real was a nap in the middle of the day, and coloring in the lines. Those days, everything seemed so simple. Things made sense. When you did something wrong, you were scolded and sent to the corner. Love meant pink and red decorated paper folders on desks, filled with lollipops, valentines and candy hearts with cutesy messages written on ‘em on February 14th. See? So simple. Its cause and effect, live and in living color. 2+2=4.

These days life is more like trying to rebuild the pyramids. What a beautiful idea, but… likely, impossible. I have always considered myself resilient. Life happens, I fall down, and quickly dust off and get back in the saddle… but days ago I found myself in an odd place. It was unchartered territory for me, as I don’t usually find myself taken aback by emotion in public. I was in a dressing room. I’d just found the cutest top that would complete an outfit… should have been immediate happiness, right? It was, until I heard "They say I’m hoooopelessssssss" playing over the speakers… I sat down in the dressing room and let the wave of emotion pass over me. Its not that I thought I was hopeless… it was that… everything I thought I knew about life… seemed…. wrong. Uncertain of oh-so-much… i paid for my shirt and left the store.

I heard a sermon yesterday… and it knocked the sense back into my head, lol.. She spoke about the faith of Abraham (Gen.18) and the waiting that both he and Sarai had to go through to get to the promise. I could go into detail about what that sermon meant to me… or I could tell you what I know for sure at this moment.

I know for sure that God is in charge. He is running this show. I know for sure that He has a plan for my life, and yours (all of you) and no matter what you may think, at the end of the day, your control is limited. For some, this may be startling news. For those like me, its a relief. You see, if we are to truly, trust God… to wholeheartedly believe what He says, stepping out on a limb isn’t really taking a risk. Its not a gamble. Deciding to go for what you want in any arena of life, isn’t being daring. God wants to give us all the desires of our hearts. He made us… you, and me. Is anything too big for God? Can He not make the impossible, possible?

We spend so much time trying to safeguard every situation… we try to put child locks on our hearts, because of the assumption that it will somehow cut down on the pain that might come forth from a new experience. People don’t leap… heck, they hardly even skip anymore… We contemplate the ins and outs of every position before choosing to go to a new place… or going to a different event… even trying a new restaurant seems to take an enormous amount of deliberation. Is it because we just want to be careful? Sure, that’s what we tell ourselves. The truth is, there would be no need for God’s infinite love and wisdom if there was a prerequisite of worry.

Being happy… trusting yourself and your judgment… stepping out on a limb… going for what you want… believing in yourself, and love… and faith…. are all not only possible… but essential. Don’t we owe it to ourselves to do that? Nothing is too big for God. He didn’t place us here on earth to be miserable, paranoid beings.

It is a choice. A CHOICE. It is a choice to live fearlessly. Not everything will make sense in the moment. Sometimes we’ll have to rely on faith and feelings… I won’t deny either… after all, I’m human… and I’m Christian. I find immeasurable peace in that. You should too. Besides… neither of us know what life has in store… but i’m betting on great things.

 

 

March 10, 2008

thats what i want

Filed under: Love and Relationships

"I got married because I finally met the man that I didn’t feel the need to marry."

I read this and fell in love with it. I LOVE THIS STATEMENT! A lady was asking people why they got married and this was somebody’s answer. It struck a chord with me big time.

 

I was just talking to my mom earlier today (its 4:30am) about having a man who wants to “check-in” with you or having one that hates it. I love it when a guy wants you to know what he’s up to, or how his day is going. I think it shows that he’s interested in you, and he wants to involve you in his life. He wants you to know what’s going on with him so that he can talk to you about his world. This is uber important to me. HOWEVER…. I don’t require men to check in with me like I’m their prison warden. I’m also not the type who’s going to run after you and check out your story and make you sign your freedom away. We’re both grown (if I’m dealing with you), and busy… and I have my own life to live. There is simply not enough time for me to live my life and yours… and I won’t even attempt it.

 

Now looking back at my last relationship I can see that this attitude is actually part of the reason why I missed so much of the dirt he was doing. emoticon I didn’t ask questions when I should have. I didn’t try to verify if what he was telling me was the truth… and I didn’t even let the idea that he might have been lying to me even bounce around in my head. I was in love, yes. But I was more in stupid, than anything else. Love is blind? No…. love is smart, and love will never do you the way he did me… emoticon remember that kids, lol.

 

I’m sure you’re wondering why I’m telling you all this. Well when I read that statement, it made me think of my conversation with mom and about my last failed relationship… and I realized, that this is exactly what I want. I want to marry a guy who I don’t have to marry. I want to date my best friend. I wanna laugh and joke and love being in his presence. I want to be in his arms when we’re watching tv… and laugh at his jokes when we’re across the table having dinner. I want to love everything about him, and be comfortable being in my own skin…. And I want to do all of this until the only thing left to do…. Is say our “I do’s.” I don’t want to be in one of those relationships where the girl is always trying to figure out when her man is going to pop the question. Or one where the two have been together for umpteen years, and the guy has no plans of ever buying a ring, but the girl has already picked out her wedding gown and his tux. I don’t want any pressure… from me or from him.

 

I want to marry the man who loves me so much that he knows he could never let me get away. I want to marry the man who is already so much of what I need in a husband. The one who embodies what those stupid lifetime movies try to describe as a good man. The man who won’t wait til that ring is on his finger to truly commit to me. The man I don’t have to marry, but always wanted to… that’s the one I want.

 

I wish more women felt this way. Marriage isn’t a trap. It isn’t something that a man (or woman, for that matter) should dread. Why do we see all of these movies that show a man acting a complete fool at his bachelor’s party because he knows tomorrow his life is over? This is ridiculous to me… I want to spend my best years with my husband. I don’t think of myself as idealistic…. I think I’m very much grounded. What I’m asking for isn’t unreasonable.

 

So yup…. That’s what I want. What a simple way of putting it!!!

August 12, 2007

unexpected

Filed under: Memories, Love and Relationships, Friendship, Life in general

I walked in and spoke to a few folks… some weird girl told me I was gorgeous like 3 times, then proceeded to tie all the strings on my shirt before sniffing me. Nice, but weird, lol. I went over to say hello, he kissed my hand and said he missed me. Its been awhile, it was nice to be back in the atmosphere. A few songs later… blue eyed brown girl came over to hug me and tell me I looked nice. "You are glowing!!! Oh my GOD… you are!!! are you in love?"

not even close, lol.

She didn’t believe me. I don’t know where the glow came from to be honest. I looked a little different when I glanced at my reflection before leaving… but I don’t know why. Her conclusion scared me… juuuuust a little. The hair is still curly… I have no idea why… but somebody seems to like it. I guess I can dig it.

I got to see them again for the first time in forever… and it warmed my heart. They will never know what all of those moments meant to me. They are priceless… I will always treasure those nights at the BC… Great, genuine guys who have my back through whatever… absolutely priceless.

 what an unexpected evening all around… it was wonderful. puzzle, completed.






















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