Living Daydream

September 2, 2009

3:47 am

Filed under: Life in general, unadulterated emotion

I am truly blessed in so many ways. Usually when someone says that, its because of some momentous occasion that has just taken place… or maybe a huge financial blessing, or deliverance from a situation. None of that is the case. Don’t get me wrong, there are wonderful things happening all around me, and to me, even. Its just not the specific reason I’m counting my blessings here at 3:47am on this Wednesday. I have been working all day, and when I left work, I went to a coffee shop to do more work. I came home, and then got started on… yup, you guessed it, more work. I’m just now settling down in my bedroom, freshly showered and moisturized. I am listening to one of my favorite songs of all time, and all is quiet and peaceful.

I have always loved this time of the night, because it feels like I’m the only one awake. I feel like I have the world to myself, and while the rest of you are sleeping, I get to have this big huge planet to do nothing but think… write… create. This song that is playing in the background made me tear up tonight. Brought back some beautiful memories, and the tearing up, was less about the actual events of the memories… and more about the feeling attached to them.

I feel now, more than ever, confident that those same feelings that I felt way back then, will return one day soon. I remember when i was the eternal optimist. Always looking up, expecting good things to happen, because I’m a good person. Then I grew up and life happened. The optimist in me faded, and I became a realist. I was proud to make this transition, because I thought to myself, "how childish it was to believe that the glass was always half full, and brimming with possibility!" That optimist… she’s not back quite yet, but I have regained a little of my love of fantasy. Love, fairy-tales, beautiful blue skies, the first orange leaf that falls and marks the beginning of autumn, peppermint mochas, fuzzy scarves and hand holding…. laughter and sniffles… it all has a bit of an ethereal quality. Listening to the flutes flying in this song… and the violins crying… makes me remember why I ever felt that way in the first place.

Life did happen. It will continue to happen…. but i’ll always be that girl… with the love for all things… romantic, intangible, light and airy….

this moment… sitting here with nothing but those orchestral notes playing softly in the background of my thoughts… feels magical. Have you ever listened to a Floetry song….and heard the TEARS in Marsha’s croon? That sometimes heavy….bellow that almost immediately turns into a wail? It is as if she is somehow physically… putting her emotion into those melodies. I feel that. I can grasp it… squeeze it. This moment, with it’s song, it’s temperature… it’s smell and taste.. is as actual as those notes… and even still, perfectly evanescent.

I’m blessed. There are changes happening, some big, others trivial. Every.single.one. is good. Can’t remember the last time this was so…

May 26, 2009

spring…summer cleaning

Filed under: unadulterated emotion

I can never quite decide how I feel about the rain. I used to hate the days when everything was soaked and even the sky looked sad. Felt like all my energy left my body through osmosis and entered the atmosphere where it would only get used to make more raindrops which would fall on my face… like tears.

It rained on and off all weekend. Everything around me is green and healthy. Seems that the grass and flowers did their own little version of the rain dance until God agreed. I felt soothed by the gray skies and dreary appearance of each day. It matched my mood and didn’t require much of me. Something about it made me feel all alone, even as I was surrounded by crowds of people…. and I liked it. I curled up in my little imaginary cocoon and did what I do best… I thought. I thought about all of the things I’ve been putting off for weeks. The things I knew I’d have to confront in my head before any progress would be possible. I felt like my mind wouldn’t cooperate. Felt like each time I went into that dark corner to unpack the box… the one where I was keeping that issue, and this one too…. It (my mind) would close the cardboard flaps and duct tape the top. Back to the corner it went. I couldn’t decide whether the unpacking, or the back-burner-placing was more frustrating, but I knew that something had to be done if any forward movement was in the plan.

So logic won, and there I sat in the middle of my theoretical floor, with the contents of the box laid out before me. I took out each piece and examined it. Tears and discomfort blanketed each issue and I began to wonder if I’d made the right decision. The easiest choice called out to me. I wanted to burn the box, run away and pretend it never existed. I could leave this entire room just the way it was. Maybe make it into storage space and start remodeling a new room. This time I’d start fresh. New furniture, new paint on the walls… it’d be bright and warm… and blemish free. No issues of which to speak. Sounded like a great idea… until I realized that no matter what I chose to do with the box… or the room the box was in, it would always find me. I’d have to deal with it now or then.

I’m tired. I am worn.out. And I get scared that I’m making the wrong decisions. I hate that I can have a moment where I’m so incredibly sure of what the goal is… and the steps to take to achieve the goal… and with a sudden wind, my direction is changed. The thing is, its not as much a wind as it is a blustery funnel cloud wreaking havoc on each thing it touches. How could anyone’s path not be forever changed by something with as much power as this? I want to stand on what I know… or what I feel… or what I see with my eye within. But I’m feeling like it may not be enough. I’m one person. I am not an army. And I don’t feel strong today. The truth is, I haven’t felt strong in awhile. I’m worried. I feel helpless without my intuition… it is the thing I trust most. It is my compass and even in a dark, unfamiliar setting, I can always find my way out.

Sitting here… looking through this box… I can’t feel it. I can’t make out where I’m supposed to go… and I’m tired. I could ask for help… but I think… I get it now.

May 18, 2009

nudité

Filed under: unadulterated emotion

It is quite nice to relax

and settle down into a cozy spot

where you can truly be

honest

and free.

It is really quite nice

to realize that you can be 

the best you

and I, the best me

and that we can simply exist in this space

without a care

or a worry

in the world.

It is quite nice to view this vast land before us

with maybe not rose, 

but perhaps a nice shade of blush, or lavender specs

and i can do so, with my thoughts

or possibly my hopes

of potential and promise.

To discover a tranquil nook,

to uncloak

to expose

to bare one’s soul

to another soul.

Yes, it really is, quite nice.

wanted

Filed under: Love and Relationships, unadulterated emotion

So completely overwhelmed by emotion. Feel so full of so much… searched the depths of my mind to find just the right words to explain…no… describe, how I feel. Wanted to find the correct collection of adjectives, verbs, and nouns… ones that would paint vivid pictures in both your head and mine.

Wanted to close my eyes in a dark room with you sitting so close that I could feel your heartbeat. I’d use it’s rhythm to govern my cadence once the lump in my throat dissolved enough for me to make a sound. Wanted to tell you to close your eyes with me, and hold my hand silently, while you waited to hear what I would tell you. More than anything, I wanted you to know already what I would say before I spoke it. Wanted you to feel my energy and know what I hoped for, what I prayed for, and what I wished for. Wanted you to feel the heat coming from my palms and know my fears and worries. I wanted you to grip them harder and let me know, without words that you knew…

I’d sit there slowing my breathing and fervently calming my thoughts and gathering those words… the words that I’d still not found. Not ones which would be adequate. How could they be? Had there been any words ever created to explain this emotion that dwells inside of me? Felt like just sitting next to me, you’d be able to read my thoughts and translate them for me into a language we’d both be able to speak.

Wanted to tell you how unique you are… how special and wonderful your…just… being is. Wanted to tell you how blessed… how privileged it is to be in your presence. Felt like the sweetest thing to be close. Wanted to feel your breath on my neck while we sat, and waited. Wanted to feel safe. Wanted to feel like you wanted… no. needed, me to feel safe. Wanted to be in your arms, sitting on that couch next to you. Wanted to be there when both of us opened our eyes to darkness. I wanted you to see that I’d rather be here.. than any other place on earth. Wanted you to be my soft place to fall. Wanted you to let me be yours.

Looked towards the window and saw little shining specs against the dark sky. They looked like diamonds resting on a black velvet blanket. Closed my eyes again and searched inside myself. Searched for meaning in all of this chaos in my head. Wanted to know what to do with it. Thought about wrapping it up just as it was, and giving it to you, like a gift. Decided to sort through it first. Opened my mouth and exhaled.

Felt you shift, and knew that you realized I was ready. Ready to shed these layers of armor and let you in. wanted to be vulnerable. Wanted to tell you that things crumble around me, then there’s you. Then, there’s…. you. Wanted to be received well, warmly… passionately. Wanted to light a single candle and watch the shadow of the flame flicker across your face. I would search your eyes… looking for your thoughts… written in your pupils? Wanted to watch you, hoping you’d see me waiting to follow you… wanted you to lead me with your eyes and energy. We’d have an entire conversation without ever having said a word. Then we’d sit and wish upon one of those floating diamonds out there… and hope for the best. Wanted to tell you, that this… is what I’ve always wanted. This is where I’ve always, wanted to be.

October 10, 2008

my apologies in advance

Filed under: Life in general, unadulterated emotion

because those who know me, know cursing isn’t… what i’d prefer to do… but this calls for a bit of profanity. So please just excuse it, just this once, kay?

Shit or get off the pot!!!

 

thats all. happy friday, and i hope everyone is in a much better mood than i am. but hey… at least its fall. 

June 21, 2008

spam folder

Filed under: Love and Relationships, unadulterated emotion

I came here because I had a very specific feeling.
It woke me up out of my sleep and although we did battle, it won. Despite my efforts, it is still there. Its here, and I thought writing about it would help… But I worry that this time, it may only heighten the experience… Make more vivid the images, and make more persistent, these thoughts.

How revealing would it be if I laid them all out…right here, for all to see?
She said that your sub conscience becomes your reality. You look, so therefore you find. Makes sense to me now.

Are you skipping through meadows?
Are you calm and cucumber cool?
Did you find a different corner of your brain to file it in?

 I imagine it works much like my spam folder— blocking unwanted thoughts, memories and feelings, making it possible to dispose of them without ever having to confront their actuality.

Yes…how convenient that must be. My brain, on the other hand is much more like those new houses they’re building now… You know the ones with the open floor plans with the rooms around the edges. Makes it harder to file things away without them surfacing sooner rather than later.
 I do not wish for a different floor plan. No. This one assures me of my humanity… my reality… It makes dealing with it—mandatory. Sometimes aches are pleasurable.

So while I want to talk about that feeling which jolted me out of my sleep… I won’t tonight. I do wonder if your grass is greener, though. After all, the season just changed…and its summer now.

June 11, 2008

scared

Filed under: Life in general, unadulterated emotion

spent 2 and a half hours… sitting and thinking… wondering why…. it keeps hiding from me.

Its tough when you have so many things to accomplish, so many tasks to complete, but yet…. your mind is full of things to sort out and make sense of.

I guess… when it really comes down to it…. I’m scared. I don’t wanna be. I want to be fearless… I want to stand steadfast in all the things that I believe… and I want to hope.

but

I’m scared.

i’ll put the thoughts away for later and concentrate on the tasks at hand…. though i know they’ll find a way to creep into my mind at the most inconvenient time.

wish i could share them, my fears. 

g’nite.  

June 4, 2008

just wanted to get the thoughts out of my head

Filed under: Love and Relationships, unadulterated emotion

I keep trying to figure out how to get these thoughts out of my head without going about it in the wrong way… and I have yet to come up with the answer…. So I’m back… to spill my guts here… in a safe space… my space.

I keep wondering where I went wrong…mainly because it just doesn’t make sense to me. I wanna scream that the day was hectic…. The environment was new… and the occasion was huge…. There was so much going on… and I loved it… all of it. It made me wanna go back to experience it all over again, but without the craziness.  I have been told that I can go into “dr. kris” mode…. Analyzing every detail until it consists of nothing….. and I didn’t want to do that. Not on this day. No…. I would enjoy it all. I would watch him interact with the people who are important to him… I would take it all in… every bit of it… from his cologne…. To the way his eyes move when he’s emphasizing a point…. I’d notice the difference in his laugh when its unrestrained from the little chuckle that sometimes escapes when the topic is only mildly funny. I stole her camera when he took the floor to do the electric slide….. and wondered if he laughed as hard as I did when the music first came on, since we’d just declared that the black American staple would NOT be played here….

I wanted to be in the moment. I wanted to just…exist for once… the scenery was beautiful… love between the bride and groom was present… and I felt… light… and free…. And happy.  Most of all, it had been months… MONTHS since I’d last laid eyes on him… and I missed it. I missed hanging out. I still miss it now. There are things that happen when you get close to someone… some of it is out of your control because that is just the nature of relationships—all relationships…. But I’ll get back to that later. I can’t help feeling like I’ve been dismissed… based on one awkward (but not really awkward…) moment in time.  Wouldn’t you want to explore it? All that a person is…. isn’t revealed in a moment. It never works that way. I keep thinking of all the things about me he doesn’t know… all the little things…  will he ever know that I like to be cold when I’m asleep…. Or that i looked forward to visiting again only to sit on his couch to talk… and connect?  Does he know that the hug at the end of the night felt so good that It made me want to stand there like that all night? What about the fact that the girls and I went to see the new Sex and the City movie the other night and i smelled something familiar…. i leaned over to ask the guy sitting to my left what he was wearing. "Angel by Thierry Mugler," he said. It made me smile for the rest of the evening. Does he know that???  No… he doesn’t know any of it… and because I have a feeling he won’t read this…. He may never know.

I can make a million excuses…. I can say that I was coming down with a cold (still recovering now)… dealing with allergies… that I was tired…  and even, that I was working very hard to remain in the moment as to not rock the boat….but I don’t want to do that.  What I want, is to know that the countless conversations we’ve had… the chemistry that ( I thought) we had in person the other (very few) instances we’ve hung out…. wasn’t just thrown out of the window for the reason that was given. I know I’m worth that… it’s a little tough at the moment… because things seem so…..surreal. just days ago I was ready to suggest that we hang out again. I had a great idea that I thought would bring a smile to his face… i wanna say, "but looooook at how much fun we could have!!!"….. but with one conversation…. With one revelation… his…. Its been shut down.

I respect it. All of it. After all, is there any other choice? We’re both adults, more than capable of deciding what we want… so yes, I respect it. I just can’t seem to keep my jaw off the ground…. I was all set to just go with the flow… see where things were going to take us…. Who needs a ceiling for that? Yes… YES.. its scary… hell its terrifying. We can’t see the future, and sometimes you sit and think about something that happened and you get no answer. Things are fuzzy in spots… you feel things you never thought you could… but that’s the beauty of it all. It just reminds us that we aren’t the captain of the ship. Sometimes you have to drift…. And know that the trip isn’t aimless just because YOU don’t know the destination. Putting a ceiling on it feels like assuming the role that isn’t meant for me. But I digress.

Yup… keep wondering where I went wrong…. Mainly because I don’t believe I went wrong at all. I am human. And it was a day. A DAY. Guess its just a puzzle that I won’t ever figure out… but I’m sure of one thing. I’m worth the risk. More, than worth the risk…. Its not sky diving… it’s a relationship. I’d be lying if I said fear wasn’t involved… I was scared too…. But its temporary…. Just gotta get thru the wrapping to get to the good stuff.

Enough reflecting… I respect the decision… ceiling it is. Can’t say i’m not sad about it though. 

just speaking on it… smile for me today…. i’ll be able to do the same… tomorrow.  






















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