There’s a song that says, "I can see clearly now, the rain is gone…." 

exactly. the eyes are not only the windows into the soul, they are the watch towers of everything… both good and bad. and sometimes… if you look closely… you can see all of the things… you never saw before…

sometimes, a gray sky…. really is just a gray sky. nothing more, nothing less. 

gonna step outta my head for a bit, and outta my own way as well. because although there’s nothing wrong with pondering, there is always a breaking point. its not necessary to reach it. Life is so much more dull on pause, after all.

*pushing play* 

This entry won’t be anything special.. just wanted to take a break to list a few songs I’ve been keeping in heavy rotation lately. I just get in my moods and only wanna hear a certain kind of song. I thought i’d share a few of them.

The Point of It All: Anthony Hamilton

Lonely Whenever You’re Around: Jill Scott

Valediction/House Of Cards/Leave It All Behind : The Foreign Exchange

So Beautiful: Musiq Soulchild

Pretty Wings: Maxwell

Boom: Anjulie

Visions of a Sunset: Shawn Stockman

Sumthin Sumthin (Mellowsmoothe): Maxwell

 Guess its time to create a new slow jams playlist, huh? lol. I hope everyone had a nice Memorial Day weekend. If you failed to acknowledge the true meaning of the day, take a moment and think about it now. My dad is a Vet who fought in Vietnam, so its not something I take lightly.

I’ll leave you with one bit of encouragement/inspiration… 

When someone is having a bad day, others often rush to tell that person, "well, it could always be worse." While this may be true, it does little to aid in the improvement of the person’s emotional state. For anyone who may be having a bad day… maybe a bad month… remember that each obstacle in our way is only one small piece of the whole picture. You must be here, right here… in order to end up where you need/want to be. It is a process. Life is a series of peaks and valleys. If you find yourself in a valley at the moment… think of it as a rollercoaster. You’re at the bottom of the hill, you can’t help but rise again. Trust me, it gets better. I remind myself of this often.

Til next time good people…

Sitting here… looking through this box… I can’t feel it. I can’t make out where I’m supposed to go… and I’m tired. I could ask for help… but I think… I get it now.

Now, don’t get me wrong, i’ve watched this show several times, mostly because it promises great moments where someone will surely make a fool out of themselves and cry in the middle of the planning stages of their wedding. The groom usually ends up wondering why he ever agreed to spend his life with this woman in the first place, and the bride morphs into something that looks more like the Hulk, than a vision in white. Sometimes, if you’re lucky, you can catch a ridiculous wedding where the bride actually choreographs a dance for her bridesmaids and groomsmen to perform as they come down the aisle (’cause being in a shiny big dress and tuxedo walking in a church full of people with their eyes on you just isn’t attention grabbing enough *rolls eyes* but i digress). I’m telling you, if you haven’t checked out this show, you should… at least once.. and ask ME to recommend an episode so you don’t waste your time on one of the unfunny ones.

So, there I was, watching this show, hoping to get a giggle or two out of the deal when I started daydreaming. Big surprise, right? I don’t know if its my age… or the fact that I have two X chromosomes, but thoughts of a happily ever after drifted into my head, and I wondered how it would all play out. 

I’ve never been like other girls. When I was younger, my girl-friends would all fantasize about their weddings. What they would wear, what the colors would be, who would be their bridesmaids…. Next would come the conversations about what to name the kids and how many of each gender they would have. When these conversations came up, I’d end up outside riding my bike, or playing on my swingset/jungle gym. Sometimes I’d just sit and daydream about other stuff. I never cared very much about the wedding part of being an adult. I just kinda figured it’d happen when it was supposed to. I’m thankful for that mentality today. Especially when friends of mine are obsessed over bridal bull*#%^.

Its not that I don’t want a wedding… its just that, there is so much more to the happily ever after than just a big white dress and reception. I want a life with someone who loves me passionately. If we must talk about the romantic who is inevitably me, I will reveal (for the first time) what I do daydream about. I find myself wondering what a proposal would feel like. Whether it would be public, or private. A big dramatic gesture, or an intimate, special heartfelt one. Will he kneel on one knee? Will his voice tremble when he asks the question? Will he have carried the ring around for weeks looking for the right time… or will it be planned? What will his conversation with my parents be like when he asks them to marry me (yeah, i’m old fashioned)? Those are the things I daydream about in the romantic department. I think i’d be more excited for the pop-the-question moment than the wedding planning part. 

Why is this? I think its because the moment a man who genuinely knows he wants to ask the ‘M’ question, realizes the magnitude of his feelings for a woman. He recognizes that this is the person he wants to wake up to each morning… to make purchases big and small with…. to take trips with… This is the moment he acknowledges that he sees her… maybe even for the first time… in this light. Its understanding that he wants to take his chaos and merge it with her own brand of chaos… and so… something about that makes me hella emotional. The engagement is the beginning of what should be forever. I have an especially realistic view of marriage, having parents that will celebrate 35 years in a couple weeks. I know it isn’t about that one day with linked arms and champagne glasses. It isn’t about a dress, or a cake or swatches of satin. Instead, it is about those vows, and even before that… it is about him.

and her.

and their seeing each other for who she is… and who he is.

It is about realizing that this person makes life even better… and about knowing in the depths of your heart that… maybe "you’d miss them even if you’d never met."

If I must have a super girly moment… I guess this would be it. Musiq says  "even when you get on my last nerve I couldn’t see myself beefing with another girl." Cheesy? maybe.. but its real.

nope… never was a regular ol chick… but i always was a dreamer. i’ve spent (and still spend) so much of my life daydreaming… hope they come true. 

and settle down into a cozy spot

where you can truly be

honest

and free.

It is really quite nice

to realize that you can be 

the best you

and I, the best me

and that we can simply exist in this space

without a care

or a worry

in the world.

It is quite nice to view this vast land before us

with maybe not rose, 

but perhaps a nice shade of blush, or lavender specs

and i can do so, with my thoughts

or possibly my hopes

of potential and promise.

To discover a tranquil nook,

to uncloak

to expose

to bare one’s soul

to another soul.

Yes, it really is, quite nice.

Wanted to close my eyes in a dark room with you sitting so close that I could feel your heartbeat. I’d use it’s rhythm to govern my cadence once the lump in my throat dissolved enough for me to make a sound. Wanted to tell you to close your eyes with me, and hold my hand silently, while you waited to hear what I would tell you. More than anything, I wanted you to know already what I would say before I spoke it. Wanted you to feel my energy and know what I hoped for, what I prayed for, and what I wished for. Wanted you to feel the heat coming from my palms and know my fears and worries. I wanted you to grip them harder and let me know, without words that you knew…

I’d sit there slowing my breathing and fervently calming my thoughts and gathering those words… the words that I’d still not found. Not ones which would be adequate. How could they be? Had there been any words ever created to explain this emotion that dwells inside of me? Felt like just sitting next to me, you’d be able to read my thoughts and translate them for me into a language we’d both be able to speak.

Wanted to tell you how unique you are… how special and wonderful your…just… being is. Wanted to tell you how blessed… how privileged it is to be in your presence. Felt like the sweetest thing to be close. Wanted to feel your breath on my neck while we sat, and waited. Wanted to feel safe. Wanted to feel like you wanted… no. needed, me to feel safe. Wanted to be in your arms, sitting on that couch next to you. Wanted to be there when both of us opened our eyes to darkness. I wanted you to see that I’d rather be here.. than any other place on earth. Wanted you to be my soft place to fall. Wanted you to let me be yours.

Looked towards the window and saw little shining specs against the dark sky. They looked like diamonds resting on a black velvet blanket. Closed my eyes again and searched inside myself. Searched for meaning in all of this chaos in my head. Wanted to know what to do with it. Thought about wrapping it up just as it was, and giving it to you, like a gift. Decided to sort through it first. Opened my mouth and exhaled.

Felt you shift, and knew that you realized I was ready. Ready to shed these layers of armor and let you in. wanted to be vulnerable. Wanted to tell you that things crumble around me, then there’s you. Then, there’s…. you. Wanted to be received well, warmly… passionately. Wanted to light a single candle and watch the shadow of the flame flicker across your face. I would search your eyes… looking for your thoughts… written in your pupils? Wanted to watch you, hoping you’d see me waiting to follow you… wanted you to lead me with your eyes and energy. We’d have an entire conversation without ever having said a word. Then we’d sit and wish upon one of those floating diamonds out there… and hope for the best. Wanted to tell you, that this… is what I’ve always wanted. This is where I’ve always, wanted to be.